Let's hope it hasn't changed from the multiple government statements given out all weekend, or the story won't ring true and the whole government will look complicit. https://twitter.com/ABridgen/status/1264918003940036609

"My wife has a special kind of dyslexia that makes her think that Durham is spelt L.o.n.d.o.n.". #CummingsConfession

People who saw me at Barnard Castle experienced what intelligent people who understand Quantum physics like me call Quantum Supposition. I was both in Barnard Castle and at home at the same time. #CummingsConfession

My family is actually unique in that we have a child and either of the parents could get it. In most families this is impossible. #CummingsConfession

It wasn't a second home or a caravan, it was 'another' home. This is not in the guidance for good reason. I know, I was involved in the process. #CummingsConfession

I had a very vivid memory of a scientist saying that transporting people who were definitely sick away from areas of high incidence was a good thing in a pandemic. I now realise that this was actually a dream and is, on reflection, batshit crazy. #CummingsConfession

Nobody was at increased risk in the extended car trip because we all wore beanies which are scientifically proven to increase immune system effectiveness. Either that or I've been going around looking like a plonker for years, and I very much doubt that! #CummingsConffession

There was literally no outlets prepared to deliver food outside our door in London. We could not have survived in such isolation. #CummingsConfession

While working at SAGE most of the guidance came from the intellectual pandemic elites, and I clearly knew to ignore their advice and act on the instinct of my superior brain #CummingsConfession

You knew I'd be the chief advisor in the General Election, so really it's everybody else's fault. #CummingsConfession

If we hadn't gone to Durham we would have been able to have nobody provide child care for us. #CummingsConfession

Everybody knows the disease effects everybody the same, and when my wife was breathless and occasionally a bit achy it became clear that we couldn't cope if we both ended up with such deliberating symptoms. #CummingsConfession

ABBA has woken many a coma patient from their bed, so this was actually preventative medicine. #CummingsConfession

I knew I was guaranteed to get the virus when I heard that it was caused by touching your face. My head is almost 100% face, damnit! #CummingsConfession

I was actually conducting a kind of scientific experiment. #CummingsConfession