Me, the adult: 1:50 am would be a fine time to go to bed.

Me, the stupid piece of shit: you know I haven't watched a Coliseum Video in a long time

I never know how to explain the fascination with Coliseum comps that people my age-ish had because for the most part the matches on them are fuckin bunk, a buncha dudes goin 70% tops because it's not TV. And honestly after you saw 1 or 2 even a kid knew these things were weak.

but there was just something about them, idk. Some of them have lots of fun skits and bullshit, like Mean Gene and Heenan golfing, or Heenan and Mooney at a wild west movie set fucking around, etc. but they were cool even without that.

kinda felt like you were a real DIEHARD fan if you were watching this. Any goob would watch the TV shows or WrestleMania or the Royal Rumble or Survivor Series or SummerSlam. Only TRUE WRESTLING FANS were gonna sit through Undertaker holding Warrior in a Face Lock for 7 minutes.

Anyway I got here because I said "I want to watch at Greg Valentine match" and this tape has a June '89 Valentine-Dusty Rhodes match and I was like "oooh I bet that has a two-star absolute ceiling" and sometimes that is very comforting to me

bro don't worry though Sean tells me this is the greatest Coliseum Video YET

April 4, 1990! A dark match from a Superstars taping in Glens Falls, New York. It's Rick "The Model" Martel!

Martel is facing his former tag team championship partner Tito Santana. This is three days after WrestleMania VI, and really should've been a match on that show but instead Martel beat Koko B. Ware and Tito lost to the Barbarian in a pair of filler matches.

Santana looks to out-maneuver Martel, but the Model's on top of it.

A hiptoss and TWO dropkicks back from Tito.

Ah, some classic casual racism from Bobby Heenan on commentary, we're four minutes into the entire video.

Gorilla Monsoon does not care that Martel can speak French.

Tito "No Mercy" Santana

Santana absolutely vicious.

Brain: "If you have two legs, either one is ambidextrous to the, uh, center of gravity there."
Gorilla: " Legs are not ambidextrous."
Brain: "They are if you're a chicken. You ever had a chicken leg that wasn't? You can eat 'em on either side."

Martel in control now. This is an automatic disqualification in Gorilla's book, which, like, idk why

Gorilla said "nip and tuck" so Heenan used that to run with an ethnic slur.

Martel gets off pretty light here, only seven bashes.

Tito calls for and hits the forearm, but Martel rolls out. Coliseum, baybeee

Tito out here manhandling referee Joey Marella, and Martel gets him with a shot of Arrogance to the eyes.

That gets Martel the win over Santana, but more important, Heenan wins his dinner bet with Monsoon. "We're going to the best joint in town! I'm driving, I'll go through the window first!"

You know if this gimmick was around today they'd actually sell the fucking cologne

Mooney transitions into a feature where Lord Alfred Hayes tells us what makes a good tag team, which then goes into clips from recent tag team title matches featuring Demolition. Gonna FF there.

Our Tag Team Match of the Month is The Rockers vs The Orient Express from June 17, 1990, in Kitchener, Ontario. A rematch from WrestleMania VI, and it's starting hot!

As best Cagematch tracks there were 74 Rockers-Orient Express matches from 1990-91, between the two versions of the Orient Express.

Now this is tag team specialty.

Boy, Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes have a LOT of thoughts on Japanese people.

Jannetty very happy about basically doing nothing

More tag team specialty.

Story of Martin's career, really, gets on a roll for a second and then it's over.

Fuj the Stooge gets a shot in!

Sato was just Too Old by this point, man out here throwin Nikolai Volkoff kicks.

Now see this is true tag team specialty.

Shawn flying into action off the hot tag, my God

It's a Coliseum Countout, baby, YEAH!

The gimmick of this tape is HOTTEST Matches, see, which means Mooney is getting increasingly warm on the set, and at this point he's literally smoking, but he's gonna ride it out. Being on fire is not an excuse to not keep working in Vince World.

And now the Fan Favorite Match, requested via postcard by Arthur from Brooklyn. It's Greg Valentine and Dusty Rhodes on June 27, 1989, from a Wrestling Challenge taping in Niagara Falls, NY. These two actually didn't wrestle much at all over the years.

Lord Alfred expecting a long match from these two veterans. Dusty is not in the polka dots here.

BAHNIC ELBOW

Valentine really had quite a hairstyle by this time.

this is the second chinlock. a very cerebral encounter here.

Here comes Dusty!

Rugged Ronnie Garvin (currently a WWF referee) prevents Jimmy Hart interference, which leads to Dusty rolling Valentine up (well) for the win. COLISEUM!

Man Sean Mooney is gonna pass on if someone doesn't help him

I'm gonna write in with a request to never see Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler again. lol I'm j/k I'm going to ask for Sam Gradwell vs Shelton Benjamin.

The WWF Profile this month is on Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

Now we will see how Jake fares against Akeem on June 6, 1990, in Binghamton, NY. Mooney says Jake is a WWF Superstar we can all admire.

It was different Coliseum tape from shortly after this, one of the Rampage tapes from '91 or '92 I think, where I fully realized how tall Jake was. You see it here and on AEW now next to Archer, but it was a match with Barbarian where Jake was a good 3" taller than "the big guy"

Both men avoiding certain early disaster.

Slick was a fine manager and a much better musical artist than Bobby Heenan or Paul Heyman. Probably about on par with Jimmy Hart there.

The African Dream himself

AKEEM WAS AN EXTREMELY VOCAL WRESTLER

Jake keeps calling the referee to him in the corner and Lord Al will go "HE'S GIVING IN!!! HE'S GIVING IN!!!" but he doesn't.

Akeem AS Extremely Large Samuel Callihan

DDT no go, splash misses. These two veteran technicians are just a step ahead constantly. A real chess match.

Slick runs into Akeem for a DQ going Jake's way (which I suppose makes sense, it's Coliseum) and eats a DDT for his troubles.

Back to the WWF's Hottest Matches, where Jake Roberts is showing off some of the snakes he might have kill Virgil.

Now we've got Jake in action on Dec. 14 in Hamilton, Ontario against Ted DiBiase.

Jacob and Theodore here wrestled into the hundreds of times and had a nice, smooth, easy chemistry together. I've never seen a bad Ted-Jake match. Some that I wouldn't write home about but tbh I have never watched a wrestling match and composed a letter to my mother about it.

Ted and Virgil try to put the jump on Jake, but he's not having it.

Sean Mooney is so underrated. I'm glad he's come back lately for another sorta "run" in wrestling. He was a good personality, very likable.