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i truly believe that i’ll never find anything good. nothing that will last anyway. as much as i want love i don’t think i’ll ever get it or that i even deserve it. but that’s where it get tricky and all messed up in my head. i just go back and forth with myself too often (1/?)
one minute i think that if i just tried harder something would work but then i find ways to contradict myself saying i want one thing and then the opposite. ive always been too indecisive. i know what i want but i’m always too afraid to say it. i find flaws in everything i do but
somehow i think i’m better than some people. prettier or smarter funnier maybe but then i feel like shit for looking down on others. i am most definitely not good. i sabotage anything good that comes my way by being too much of a pessimist. and then i get sad thinking that i’ll-
never get what i just pushed away. like what sense does that make. exactly what i wanted was right there and i let it go only to cry about it later like i’ll never get the opportunity again. but then i do.. and then i ruin it again. there’s just something wrong with me and i-
don’t know how to fix it. i’ve always had to do everything on my own and asking for help is embarrassing and scary to me. i wish i could come to terms with the fact that i won’t get what i so desperately want but despite being a pessimist i still hold out hope for it to work out-
but right when it’s about to i mess it up. i’m a burden to myself and it’s so tiring and pathetic, i do and i don’t want sympathy. i’m just tired of switching back and forth why can’t i just pick one. why can’t i be content with what i have when other have so much less or worse
so sick of man. and all i can bring myself to do is to feel sorry for myself on a secret twitter account with no followers that i literally made to use for porn. like what kind of DUMBASS am i?? for the love of god i don’t see how i’ll ever be taken seriously by someone.
and i’m not even drunk i’m just dumb right now. so if anyone comes across this thread and it doesn’t make sense it cause my thought process doesn’t make sense. everything i do contradicts itself.. so sorry you had to read this :/
