inspired by my part-time hobby of nosing in other people's houses on rightmove, please find a thread of the weirdest houses, their decor, and my review - currently for sale in Essex: https://twitter.com/zoelondondj/status/1264685651762581511

this house is BEAUTIFUL from the outside. but then you notice it has a weird glass panel in the floor of the hallway?? what's below it.. an amazing pool! wow! but what do you do when the Ocado bloke comes and your husband is in the pool below naked? also velour cinema. no.

oh this looks quite nice? nice gate, cute house... ARGH RED KITCHEN HOW JARRING!! and why is the toilet.. so far away from the bath?! where does the door go next to the toilet? oh.. and there's a cinnamon swirl in the ceiling of the lounge. sure. why not. sofa looks a bit rigid

GOOD LORD THIS HOUSE IS A PALACE. but it has a serious identity problem... it can't decide if it wants to be palatial ancient English house... or cool upscale wework Manhattan office? erm? sure?

this house is so big it has it's own topiary maze out front. WOW. but it also appears to have a giant bunch of grapes hanging from the lounge ceiling? and who are these chairs designed for? are they 8ft tall? you also shower in a glass case of emotion

oh this house is delightful. a princess home. OMG SO MANY CLASHING REFLECTIVE ORNAMENTS ARFGH. every single bedroom has a different coloured feature velour wall. this bold blue is a choice. the bathroom has a dippy Dyson hand dryer for that authentic shit Essex nightclub feel

I actually have nothing bad to say about this 5 million pound house in Essex that looks like it's in Beverly Hills. it's lovely. I'll have it. APART FROM THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING IS ESSEX GREY AGAIN WHY

oh this is a lovely house! what a gorgeous drive. mmm.. crushed velvet bedroom... again... but somehow pretty inoffensive. that's ok we keep scrolling.. yup... lovely garden! wow!! OH FOR GODS SAKE WHAT IS THAT WHY