analyzing this chapter in the context of disordered thinking and ocd is really interesting. sakusa HATES leaving things unfinished and him thinking that maybe one day he could get to a point where he would be satisfied leaving things unfinished is fucking powerful (1/?)

ocd is a tricky topic to handle because theres so many facets to it. it can come in tons of forms and tons of different expressions, and not all of it pertains to cleaning. im also not an expert, but i think having ocd myself gives me a different perspective on sakusas character.

i wanna make something clear before i continue. misophobia and ocd are NOT the same. misophobia is a fear of germs. ocd is a system of disordered thinking that manifests in obsessive thoughts and ritualistic compulsions. they dont always occur together but they can and often do.

but contamination fears arent the only form of ocd (theres harm ocd, hoarding, etc) and people can cycle through different forms throughout their lives. despite being a disorder that loves rigid thinking, theres tons of nuance and individualized expression.

this disorder causes obsessive thinking, usually resulting in compulsive behavior. these behaviors can range from organization, repetition, rituals, counting, and so much more. these compulsions are urges, something deemed necessary by the self to satisfy personal anxieties.

however sometimes people with ocd dont have outward expressions. this is called “pure O” and, as the title suggests, its purely obsessive ocd, meaning no compulsions. many people with pure O dont even realize they have ocd since most of the disorder is in their thinking.

im gonna stop myself before i get carried away bc my brain wants to make sure i cover EVERY aspect of ocd but thats not what this thread is about. this thread is about completion and (very fittingly) the freedom in incompletion.

now, sakusa is obviously adverse to germs. he makes sure to shower before others, he wears a med mask, and avoids crowds. this is a clear expression of contamination ocd. but theres more to it than that.

lets start with his his inability to leave things unfinished. this probably doesnt stem from a sense of duty. hes the youngest of siblings much older than him so he had many capable people in his life to rely on. he wasnt responsible for the wellbeing of younger family members.

this dedication is an extension of his ocd. he physically cant leave things unfinished or else he ruminates over it until it bothers him so much he has to finish it. he sets goals not for the sake of a reward but for completion. completion is his ultimate goal.

a trademark of many forms ocd is preparation. preparing for the worst, making sure that theres no way things can go wrong. often times i find myself wondering why im doing a specific compulsion and my answer is usually “what if something bad happens?”

sakusa is very aware that a lot of things in life are unexpected. but most of it is preventable which is why he admonishes hinata for his carelessness even though it happened six years ago. if hed just taken care of himself he wouldnt have gotten a fever.

but accidents happen. he faces this reality at nationals when his captain gets hurt. he couldnt have prepared for this in any way as it was out of his control.

which is why he has such a hard time understanding why iizuna was upset. his injury was out of his control so why get upset over something he couldnt have prevented? the only thing you can do is focus on what you can prevent — like getting sick.

i also think this panel is cute cuz it shows sakusa struggling to seeing gray areas (ocd trait). his personal motto/rule is to never give pity to anyone, but when iizuna is like “you can pity me right now... this objectively sucks” sakusas just like oh... never thought of that...

iizunas line here gets sakusa thinking about his own potential last game. as i said before, completion is his goal and it drives all of his actions. iizunas promise is poignant, especially coming from the pillar of the team. but what if that was his last game? what then?

there was no guarantee that iizuna was gonna go pro. that injury could have put him out of the world of sports for good. would he have been satisfied if he couldnt fulfill his promise? if sakusa was in iizunas shoes, would he be ok with leaving things incomplete?

i think thats why these last two panels really resonated with me. all sakusa wants to do is control the things he can control and be satisfied with things being incomplete. to fall in love with the process and not the result.

i think a lot of people with ocd can relate to wanting to be free from the suffocation of completion. we all want to be able to be satisfied with the things we do without having to succumb to our compulsions. i for one would like to be okay with things left unfinished.

even writing this thread im struggling. i cant stop thinking about how there might be a panel i missed or a line i forgot to discuss. i dont wanna post this cuz im worried its not finished. my goal is completion — then again, when exactly is something complete?

i could ruminate on things forever if left to my own devices. id never publish any fics or post any art because no matter how much i work, im always crippled by the fear of not finishing things correctly. but im gonna post this cuz thats part of ridding myself of this mentality.

actively working against the antagonizing voice in the back of my head is the only way ill be able to find satisfaction in leaving things incomplete. of enjoying things as they are rather than working towards the perfect “last game”.

any game can be your last. you cant control everything. but you can find satisfaction in things you have unfinished, rather than striving for a hypothetical completion. there is a beauty in incompletion.

anyways stan sakusa kiyoomi and be nice to people with ocd