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Don't think I've told this story publicly. A thread reminded me of it, so I'm gonna tell it.
It's a story about how a misunderstood minority group suffered months of abuse on Stack Exchange, with moderators pitted against each other and CMs in the middle.
…No, not THAT story.
It's a story about how a misunderstood minority group suffered months of abuse on Stack Exchange, with moderators pitted against each other and CMs in the middle.
…No, not THAT story.
In early 2011, a new Stack Exchange site launched: Parenting. Strictly-speaking, there was ALREADY a parenting Q&A site based on an earlier version of the platform ( https://moms4mom.com/faq/ ), but that site wasn't part of the "SE network" & folks asked for one that was.
When folks care deeply, there will be friction when there are differences of opinion... And parenting is FULL of both controversial topics and passionate people. The site quickly filled with "spirited" discussions on everything from how babies should sleep to gun ownership.
But the controversy that caught me off-guard was homeschooling.
For those unfamiliar, this is the practice of providing some or all of a child's education outside of a dedicated school, usually with instruction provided or facilitated by a parent or caregiver.
For those unfamiliar, this is the practice of providing some or all of a child's education outside of a dedicated school, usually with instruction provided or facilitated by a parent or caregiver.
There are many different reasons for homeschooling. Some parents choose it, some are forced into it.
But as so many parents have found over the past few months, it is ALWAYS a challenge: mentally and emotional draining, demanding of time and patience.
And, another challenge...
But as so many parents have found over the past few months, it is ALWAYS a challenge: mentally and emotional draining, demanding of time and patience.
And, another challenge...
…the stigma.
Perhaps with folks' experience during Covid this will be less of an issue in the future, but back in '11 it was still very, very real - and the parents who reached out for help & advice on Stack Exchange ran face-first into a wall of hostility and misunderstanding.
Perhaps with folks' experience during Covid this will be less of an issue in the future, but back in '11 it was still very, very real - and the parents who reached out for help & advice on Stack Exchange ran face-first into a wall of hostility and misunderstanding.
As usual, the moderators and Community Managers did an admirable job of trying to calm these interactions, smooth the friction, removing overt hostility and encouraging constructive interactions.
But then, the debate crept into The Teachers' Lounge - a private chatroom for mods.
But then, the debate crept into The Teachers' Lounge - a private chatroom for mods.
And that's when things got REALLY ugly: moderators who were just asking for advice on how to handle these situations on their young site found that they'd managed to spark the same debate in the place where they'd sought help! Mods on other sites chimed in to argue vs assist.
Worse: there were some moderators (and employees of SE) who were homeschooling their own children, or were being homeschooled. They were none too pleased to drop into the "lounge" to find what amounted to personal attacks waiting for them. Some joined in, others left in disgust.
I wish I could say here that I analyzed the situation and deftly defused it... But I didn't; I was inexperienced, and mostly busy elsewhere - if it'd been up to me, the whole endeavor might've crashed and burned. As it was, it took the better part of two years to resolve...
During this time, I was privileged to watch and learn from my co-workers, @HedgeMage and @AarthiD, as they deftly navigated the troubled waters and kept what could've been an incredibly damaging situation mostly under control. Here are a few key lessons I took from them:
1) set a positive example in public.
This means not just jumping in to scold or preach, but to DEMONSTRATE what constructive debate looks like, showing respect for the folks you disagree with, backing up your assertions and avoiding the temptation to be drawn into bickering.
This means not just jumping in to scold or preach, but to DEMONSTRATE what constructive debate looks like, showing respect for the folks you disagree with, backing up your assertions and avoiding the temptation to be drawn into bickering.
2) shut down the pile-on, not the people.
It's tempting to jump into the fray and pick a "winner" - the victim that you'll defend against the hordes of attackers. This is a classic mistake: it deepens the division. Instead, quash the pile-on comments from all sides.
It's tempting to jump into the fray and pick a "winner" - the victim that you'll defend against the hordes of attackers. This is a classic mistake: it deepens the division. Instead, quash the pile-on comments from all sides.
(For a longer essay on how this goes so badly, see @jlericson's post on the Dreaded Drama Triangle: https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/311874/why-is-se-giving-so-much-attention-to-the-be-nice-policy/311933#311933)
3) provide a quiet space for people to discuss and learn.
Doesn't have to be private, but needs to be free of kibitzing and performing. A space for folks who WANT to talk and learn from one another to do so, without demanding this of others who do not have the desire or energy.
Doesn't have to be private, but needs to be free of kibitzing and performing. A space for folks who WANT to talk and learn from one another to do so, without demanding this of others who do not have the desire or energy.
4) be ever-diligent.
This is hard, but not optional. Even if you're successful, it will be a long time before the danger is past; the embers are still glowing, ready to flame up as soon as there is new fuel: there needs to be folks to kindly but firmly extinguish those flames.
This is hard, but not optional. Even if you're successful, it will be a long time before the danger is past; the embers are still glowing, ready to flame up as soon as there is new fuel: there needs to be folks to kindly but firmly extinguish those flames.
If this all sounds like a LOT of hard work... It was. It opened my eyes to just how skilled and dedicated my colleagues were, and how badly that skill and dedication was needed. Sadly, this observation wasn't universal.
Done right, maintaining a constructive, welcoming space looks easy; it is not.
Right now, there are a bunch of folks working unseen in the online spaces that have replaced so many physical meetings...
Please, try to notice, appreciate and support them!
Right now, there are a bunch of folks working unseen in the online spaces that have replaced so many physical meetings...
Please, try to notice, appreciate and support them!
