This is a thread about my place in the whole "former gifted child" discourse.

For context, I am autistic (childhood dx'd, which is relevant only to the way I was treated by the school system) with some other developmental disabilities including cognitive delays in some areas 1/

but in reading and writing, I was always advanced. I taught myself to read at a young age and never stopped, and once I found out that in order for me to read a book, someone had to write it, I decided that was what I wanted to do. And to some degree, I was encouraged. 2/

(Of course intelligence is a social construct and being "talented" is a subjective thing. I also want to make sure I acknowledge my privileges and the fact that many kids get less support than I did.) 3/

I was in special ed classes and "behavioral therapies" my whole school career. I always had an I.E.P. Sometimes in the planning meetings, admins would dangle a carrot: if I could "learn to control my behavior," maybe I could apply for those advanced writing classes. 4/

But I could never act "not autistic" enough. I tried. I failed, over and over. I had the autistic making burnouts and regressions repeatedly, sliding further down the scale. I didn't WANT to be a "behavior problem." But I couldn't become a NT kid through sheer self-control. 5/

Meanwhile my writing was the one thing my teachers propped up. They entered me for awards, got me published in teen anthologies. Even though I was never in a gifted kid class and wrote those prize-winning stories from the special ed room, I had that One Thing I was good at. 6/

And because I received so many messages that I WASN'T smart or good at anything, I clung harder to the one thing I did get praise for. When I transitioned out of school into supported employment and minimum-wage jobs I couldn't seem to hold, I internalized even deeper the idea 7/

<that writing was the only thing I was good at. And that's why the first time I tried to make it my career, I fell so hard. I wrote my first book at 16, but I had no clue about the business side of being an author. I was held up to show off my writing but I never learned that. 8/

I wrote 5 books by my early 20s, 3 of which I queried (badly) and gave up on (too easily). When just being the kid who was told "This is the one thing you're good at but you're BRILLIANT at it" wasn't enough, when it wasn't as easy as they said it would be, I lost my identity. 9/

I didn't try to write a book again for over a decade. I'm trying the whole process again now, learning from people who were taught a realistic perspective. I'm learning how to do the work and that I am a competent writer but I'm not a prodigy and that's okay. 10/

I guess my point here is there's a "special needs kid" version of the "gifted kid" thing. Sometimes when we're categorized that way, teachers leap at anything we're good at and tell us "oh, this is your future" and maybe they're patronizing but we don't always know that. 11/

We just internalize the idea that we can do SOMETHING well in a world that constantly tells us we're not as good as other kids. But we're not given the tools to make it a reality. And when the world outside of school doesn't care, we burn out too. 12/

This thread was way too long and kind of all over the place and I'm sorry. It was just some thoughts I've been having. /13