The week in Tory:

1. Clapped for health workers

2: Then increased the fees paid immigrant health workers to access the life-saving service they provide

3: Then did a U-turn on that, only 1 day after standing in in parliament telling us it was vital and fair

4: Then quietly planned to stop allowing child refugees reuniting with their parents, which you didn't even notice

5: Then said the border down the Irish sea (which they denied for a year) wouldn't be ready in time, so would be an even harder border down the Irish sea

6: Said we all had to socially distance, cos it was vitally important

7: Then said MPs, many in their 70s, should be urgently pushed into an overcrowded room, then regularly marched through packed lobbies, rather than safely vote electronically and keep socially distanced

8: Then the head of the Science Select Committee (Tory MP Greg Clark) told the govt that testing capacity was "inadequate for most of the pandemic so far"

9: Said we must all wear face-masks when we go out

10: Then said there were no face-masks

11: Then said the tracking app would be ready by 1 June

12: Then admitted they'd stopped development of the App in March

13: Then said the app wasn't necessary. Staff could do it manually - that is, track down everybody you came within metres of for a fortnight

14: They said they hadn't been training staff to do this nightmarishly impossible task, cos they didn't even start recruiting staff until last week

15: Then said the app might be necessary after all, but not before we open Primary Schools, which was imminent

15: Then half the school districts in England and all of Scotland and Wales said they definitely weren't opening Primary Schools

16: Said we would quarantine everybody coming into the UK, except from France

17: Then said, OK, France too, but it's voluntary

18: Then said it's not voluntary, we'll do spot-checks

19: Then admitted spot-checks were not possible due to staff shortages

20: Then the London Assembly announced it would continue to investigate Johnson's alleged corruption in public office

21: And then, thank you for your patience, Dominic Cummings

22: Dominic Cummings was infected, which meant he could not leave his home for any reason, and must try to separate himself from his family.

23: So he immediately locked himself in a car with his family for 5 hours

24: Then the Attorney General defended Cummings by saying you're allowed to break laws if you think you're doing the right thing and looking after kids

25: Then the Health Secretary said you're allowed to endanger public health if you have a small child and mean well

26: Downing Street officially denied the police had been involved

27: Durham Police officially said they had definitely been involved

28: Downing Street said it was only to protect his family whilst sick

29: It turns out he did it again after he'd got better

30: Then the govt said said public opinion is what matters

31: Then a poll showed twice as many wanted him sacked as wanted him to stay

32: Then multiple major Tory press cheerleaders said he should be sacked

33: Sky gave Grant Shapps 13 hours notice of the questions it would ask when he was interviewed, so he could call Cummings and get the answers, and had no reason whatsoever, when asked, to reply "I don't know"

34: Grant Shapps replied "I don't know"

35: Where is Boris Johnson?

And there are 12 hours of the week to go.