Thread by @CortneyRadocaj, tw: abuse, sexual assaultI want to talk about verbal/mental abuse for a [...]

tw: abuse, sexual assault

I want to talk about verbal/mental abuse for a sec bc HOO DOGGIE I had my first therapy session in like eight weeks (thanks COVID) and I have a lot of crap on my mind

SO

I’ve had two abusers. One was an ex from high school, and I have been VERY aware of how abusive that relationship was pretty much since it ended.

But when my therapist originally asked if I’d been abused as a kid (bc many victims who end up in abusive relationships have been

abused before) I honestly told her no. My parents are incredible. The rest of my family in the area is incredible (excluding one grandpa, but I’ve always been aware of his dickishness and my parents never allowed ANYTHING remotely close to abuse from him)

And we moved on.

One of the very first things she had me do was list my worst and best memories. She kept pushing for younger memories bc the VAST majority of them were middle school and up

But I legit have very few clear memories of my childhood—more vague impressionistic feelings

Which had always baffled me bc I KNEW that many people abused as children have very few (if any) memories of their childhood, particularly earlier childhood

But I hadn’t been abused so????

*insert EMDR therapy to process Abusive Ex and the sexual assault that happened with him*

One of the questions she asked most often was “was there another time you felt this way?” when I was triggered

Sometimes the answer was no, and that was fine

But more and more often... I realized many, MANY of the triggers I had from my ex I’d experienced before, with my brother.

Now, I’d be the first to admit we don’t have an ideal relationship, nor had we EVER. Our relationship has been shitty for a long time.

And for a long time, I denied tooth and nail that that relationship verged into abuse.

“I mean we don’t have a GOOD relationship but it wasn’t abusive”
“He’s younger than me—abuse doesn’t work that way”
“He’s my little brother and he’s dealt with serious, life altering shit—he couldn’t help how he reacted to it as a kid”

It wasn’t until very recently that I finally acknowledged that I was deflecting and denying

Bc it felt... wrong, terrible, AWFUL to let myself call how he treated me growing up as abuse.

What kind of sister was I if I did? Certainly not the protective, loving one I tried to be.

But the thing is—it WAS abuse. It was more than two decades worth of verbal and mental abuse.

And once I let myself acknowledge that, let myself be upset and angry and NOT excuse the behavior, suddenly SO MANY things started clicking into place.

It’s daunting, and horrifying to realize how much of my anxiety, how many of my triggers, developed as a way to cope with the abuse. It’s FLOORED me, as I’ve opened up about it, how deeply ingrained in my bones it is. How deeply those triggers run.

And it’s absolutely BAFFLED me that it took me so damn long to even acknowledge it as abuse???

But like... that’s kind of the thing with some verbal/mental abuse.

It’s nefarious. Often quiet. And its effects are built over time.

The couple of clear, sharp memories of examples of it are over the STUPIDEST shit. And as an individual instance, it’s not terrible. Pretty low key.

But when that instance happens over.. and over.. and OVER again over the course of two decades

That’s... suddenly so much worse

Everyone’s experience with abuse is different and OBVIOUSLY not everyone’s abusers were as... quietly abusive? as mine

But for me, the triggers and the coping mechanisms definitely were built over years.

And similarly, I think the abuse changed and morphed over time, too.

Bc what started as just a small child with anger issues, bouts of yelling and screaming and rage, turned into a more... pointed way to control and manipulate.

And it’s not even that it was purposeful—I’m very aware that we were BOTH children as the majority of this abuse was happening—but that doesn’t change the way I coped.

Doesn’t change the PTSD and triggers and anxiety that developed bc of it.

Idk where I’m even going with this??? Literally didn’t even have a plan when I started typing

But I guess I just... wanted to say (and reaffirm for myself) a few things

It’s okay to not recognize something as abuse until you’re away from it.

The coping mechanisms you develop to keep yourself safe don’t make you broken.

Verbal and mental abuse is still abuse.

Another person’s abuse that’s “worse” than yours does not negate your experiences.

And it’s okay to have mixed emotions as you’re processing what happened and figuring out how to move forward, ESPECIALLY when the abuser is family or someone you love.

So... yeah. That’s about it I guess?? I have no idea how to end this thread

I have so much processing to do and so many steps to take still—I’ve barely hit the tip of the iceberg in this journey.

But it’s... comforting, and empowering, to be able to more fully recognize what I experienced wasn’t okay, wasn’t normal, and sure as fuck wasn’t my fault.

And if you’ve experienced abuse, in any form, and no matter where you’re at in the healing process, just know

I see you

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