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Life is hard. I suck at it. I want to do well. I shouldn't run away from obligation. I just want to survive. I need help. It's strange circumstances. But this predates the circumstances. The circumstances have exacerbated it, but also given an excuse for it.
It's 5:30 am. I should sleep. When, I'll wake I'll be 10 days away from my next deadline, and 11 days away from the one after it. Also 11 days away from the day of the online test. The 3 hours a day my brain works won't be enough.
I'm gonna have to give it my all just to phone it in. I don't like being in this position. It sucks. I kinda did it a bit in January. But that was mostly exams. That's different.
It's not like I didn't want or try to do work in March or April. I had planned to do so much reading and studying. But I didn't. I make too many plans. Was it laziness? I don't think so. I wasn't at rest even though I wasn't being productive. I was paralysed in a sense.
Crushed between yesterday and today. I've had that phrase going around my head since November. I've felt awful for considerable chunks of this academic year.
But I still want to do a Master's next year. I don't know what else I could possibly do with my life. I like learning. I like my course. But I just can't cope with the demands of life. I convinced myself further study is what I want to do, even if it destroys me.
I guess I'm also banking on future me getting help. Anyway, this thread is too long. It's 5:46 now. I should sleep.
