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i get so pretentious when i’m high smh 
mf really said hence
mf really said hence
i mean id argue it’s actually the opposite of pretentious, because that’s me not masking. but people CALL you pretentious when you use words like that
so much of my anxiety really does stem from feeling like a weirdo and a freak in high school huh? how mortifyingly mundane
so much of my anxiety really does stem from feeling like a weirdo and a freak in high school huh? how mortifyingly mundane
id say sorry for despair-posting on main but i think y’all pretty much know what you’re getting at this point
it’s funny i honestly don’t know what i get out of doing this but it feels so cathartic and even a little thrilling. emotional exhibitionism
it’s funny i honestly don’t know what i get out of doing this but it feels so cathartic and even a little thrilling. emotional exhibitionism
when i was 15/16 dealing with severe brain trauma i’d break down crying at least daily and i really couldn’t control when/what triggered it so i got really used to crying in public. for years i associated stairways with crying bc that was often the safest/quietest place to go
i’ve read accounts of people with spanking fetishes who attribute it to being spanked as a child and their brains like turned it into a sexual fetish to cope with the pain and fear.
i wonder if that’s what happened to me but with like public humiliation/trauma/sadness
i wonder if that’s what happened to me but with like public humiliation/trauma/sadness
like obviously it SUCKED (i was a teenager! i wanted what most teens want! for my peers to think i was cool) and basically all my peers had seen me cry. most of the time the idea horrifies needs. but when i’m really sad my brain craves it i guess? like i’ll seek it out
in college i’d go to the library to study and get overwhelmed and just cry. sometimes i’d go to the stairs or a study room but sometimes i’d just hide under a table or not hide at all. weep openly in full view of everyone. hoping against hope someone would notice and comfort me
as a teen that was my dearest fantasy. like both sexually and not (is it ever really different?)
that someone would notice me crying and take pity on me and come comfort me and stroke my hair and bury my face in her soft ti—(like i said the sexual and emotional are all mixed up)
that someone would notice me crying and take pity on me and come comfort me and stroke my hair and bury my face in her soft ti—(like i said the sexual and emotional are all mixed up)
what can i say? i was a teenage boy 
.
i don’t fantasize about that consciously any more (or if i do, it’s very explicitly in the context of a sexual scene) bc it’s embarrassing and not very masculine but clearly the impulse is still there
. i don’t fantasize about that consciously any more (or if i do, it’s very explicitly in the context of a sexual scene) bc it’s embarrassing and not very masculine but clearly the impulse is still there
i guess the fantasy here is that someone will read all this and instead of thinking i’m an irredeemable freak or too fucked up to love they’ll think i’m interesting or sympathetic or something and want to be my friend 
i remember once my ex told me “it’s interesting how you assume all your problems are based in something that happened to you in your past and i was like... yes?? is that not pretty much the basis for most of western psychology??
anyway twitter it’s been good taking to you. thanks for listening 
and i WILL check to see who unfollowed after this thread
and i WILL check to see who unfollowed after this thread
