genderfluid hongwon: a thread

disclaimer: i am Not assuming his gender. this is for fun.

also caution: some of this thread deals w/ what can be considered as an urge to self harm / self-harm due to dysphoria. that will usually be indicated at the top as 'dysphoria' followed by '//' as a separator.

- it's not this big revelation, hongwon figuring out that he's 'not like' the other boys around him. it's just simple, a quick, fleeting thought when someone —it doesn't matter who— calls him a boy.

not a boy, he thinks, frowning. and he doesn't dwell on it too much after that.

- he experiments w/ pronouns for a few days, testing them out. saying them out loud and breaking the perpetual silence of his apartment. and comes to a few conclusions.

mainly that he/him is fine, good, even. they/them is nice. it/its is Supposed to feel demeaning, like he's an

Other. but that's not how it is to him.

(confession is that he likes those the most, but it's not like anyone around him is going to use them, so...)

she/her feels gross at times. grimy. other times, it's tolerable. not a set he would use often, but if anyone

stumbles and says 'she' rather than 'he', hongwon's not going to protest or anything.

(she might even smile at the mistake.)

- gender's always this fluid thing w/ him, changing so much that it makes him dizzy. sometimes, it does settle. a combination of being absolutely genderless, bits and pieces of boy and girl and everything in between and beyond.

dysphoria //

one day, sitting in the studio with wonjae-hyung (wonjae-oppa? he has been feeling a bit more girlish today for some reason) makes him start wondering if he'll always feel this way.

wonjae-oppa's going on about something or other, hongwon isn't paying too much

dysphoria //

attention to that, but then—

but then wonjae-oppa pauses, turns to look at hongwon and asks if he's been paying attention. "hongwon," he starts.

and all of a sudden, his clothes feel too tight for his body. skin breaking out in a rash that only he can see.

dysphoria //

and the sound of his name. that fucking name...

he feels like scratching at his arms until they come away red, nails dragging over the skin over and over and over. instead of doing that, he just shoves his hands into his pockets, gripping at the fabric of his

dysphoria //

jacket just to have something to anchor himself.

his discomfort must be obvious, considering that wonjae stops in whatever he's saying, turning to face the other with a concerned expression on his face.

dysphoria //

"hongwon"—/don't call me that, please/—"are you okay?"

and it's not like he's going to come out to wonjae, of all people, no matter how close they are. so he just grits his teeth, tries pushing all of the discomfort and urges down until he can get home, and says

dysphoria //

"yeah. i'm fine."

- names, like pronouns, start to be experimented with, him definitely, absolutely not wanting a repeat of what happened in the studio.

the problem is that he's gone by hongwon his entire life, and it's a name he still likes. so the question is: why did he feel that way?

dysphoria //

maybe he just needs another one, in addition to hongwon. to be used whenever that particular name wants to make him claw his own skin off.

so: onto the internet it is!

- coming out is a messy, horrible process. at least when it came to himself, it was easy.

but with others? that... that's a whole different story. and he lies in bed, internally warring w/ himself at the prospect of actually doing it.

he doesn't have to come out right now.

go 'oh, hi, i'm not a boy' and answer whatever questions people have —even thinking of possible ones makes him want to not do it. /ugh/.

yeah, maybe he won't. it's fine like this, living quietly. hidden.