“You know what happens to comedians when they get old? They start getting offered serious roles. You really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?” “No, you leave him alone!”

“Jack, don’t tell me you’re one of those convenient Catholics who only goes to church every Sunday.”

“ anyway three of the dancers just found out they’re dating the same guy and I’m going to watch that.”

“Thank you for the stew” “it’s from my own recipe where I replace the water with cheddar cheese.”

“Don’t Yu have Faith?” “Yes, in things I can buy, sell, and deregulate.”

“..also I may never sodomized our former Vice President under the influence of powerful narcotics.”

“How dare you say that in front of Santa Luca, the patron saint of judgmental statues!”

“I think people should freak the geek out, hide your money.”

“The Disney New York is over, at the stroke of midnight your luxury car is going to become a pile of rats”

“If you are watching this it’s cause capitalism is ending, either because of a soviet invasion or something ridiculous like a woman president.”: