hey so I think I'm just gonna think out loud about something that I just now noticed is a pattern maybe!

when I left(?) on my vacation back whenever, I was super burnt out and needed to rest up

but before the first week of vacation was even over, I was stressing myself out over feeling like I need to work on too much stuff

and at the time I was like "well, that's because I'm so backed up on projects from being burnt out so long", and I resolved to drop a bunch of the (potential) projects

and then I got distracted by doing something for mother's day, which was relevant because I needed to

and my first week back at work was fine, but then, all this past week, I kept realising I was working late? I'd just lose track of time, and then be like "well I should at least wrap up this feature before I stop", which happens, but it was every day…

and I was just like "what a funny weird coincidence… I know not to make a habit of this though, so it's fine, it's just several coincidences"

then yesterday, after going out and doing Stressful Groceries, I came back and really buckled down into transcribing tracklists, which is a big messy hobby, but I love it to pieces

and I wound up, somehow, staying up super late? I don't know how or why, I just know that I started feeling my brain like, shutting down from sleep deprivation, and then realised it was already past midnight, but I just needed to wrap up the one that I was on first…

but that's a hobby that always kinda tends to suck me in; there's always edge cases upon edge cases, and more research that needs to be done, and problems that reveal other problems, it's just catnip for my brain

so I didn't think too much of it

then today I decided to see if I could find a way to 3d print a flextangle

(long story short, printing joints at that many angles just isn't feasible with my style of printer)

but like: I got so caught up in it, that I kept working well past when I should have had dinner, even though I was *really* hungry

all that to say: I feel like I've mostly been handling quarantine pretty well, I'm used to working from home so it's not *that* much of a change

so like: I kinda haven't been keeping an eye on myself I guess?

and like:

I guess I kinda get workaholic when I'm stressed out about stuff? and maybe I need to be a bit more conscious of that?

I'm so used to just being super grateful for a productivity drive; I can tend to get burnt out, or sick or tired or whatever, and not able to tap into it, so when it happens I just dive in with both feet and ride it while it lasts

but it's been like *a week*, and in the past two days it's kept me from proper sleeping *and* proper eating.

so maybe I should like… make a conscious effort *not* to just chase that productivity jones

before I like, regret not having slowed down sooner

and like also: maybe start taking self-care steps even though I'm "feeling fine"? because if something's driving me to distract myself this hard, then maybe I'm not fine, maybe I'm just drinking super deep from the Coping Mechanisms well and that can only go on so long

honestly, as soon as I got to the point in this thread where I started talking about considering whether I should slow down, I started yawning out of nowhere, so

anyway yeah just, jotting this down as some kinda accountability, and to get myself to think it out

idk