When I was younger there was a time it was so crippling that I'd cry every day with how much I loathed myself and anything I did.
It's cheesy and dramatic to say but I did that. Every day after work, I'd get in bed and cry.
I didn't draw for months. I didn't write for years.
https://twitter.com/fleeting_wishes/status/1264329799826366470

A friend got me into a video workshop of an artist he liked very much and I know I talk about it ALL THE TIME (yes it's Dynamic Sketching with Peter Han YouTube it dudes) but it did make me realize so much about myself and the art techniques he taught I just moved into other

parts of my creative process.
I'm not gonna get into details about the full thing. It was this one bit- when he explained why he wanted us to draw exclusively with pens instead of pencils and erasers.

You can't erase the ink, and if you make a mistake, it stays there.

Mid-exercise, he made a mistake, looked at it- showed it to the viewers, said it was okay, that it's normal.
And kept going.

Dude that was the hardest and the quickest lesson about self-forgiveness I've ever had- and I've applied it to everything.

I made a mistake with ink, it's there, and it's gonna stay there. I can't look at it forever, I have to move on.
Idk it wasn't probably that deep- but it made me think of all those sketchbooks I bought and never touched bc I was afraid of even putting the first line one em,

was my art even worth it? All that shit man.
I wasn't even trying bc I was afraid of making mistakes, and then suddenly I was being encouraged to make them.
To make those mistakes I can't take back, and move on, and do better.

Because I *will* do better.
Just as I will never stop making mistakes.
So I might as well keep going lmfao.

So I geared up.
It started an October, I chose the daily ink challenge specifically for it but I didn't stick to any prompt. Just finish a drawing a day, fully inked.
It was also the month of my bday, and I spent every day after work listening to Spooky Scary Skelleton remixes

while warming up drawing lines, curves, waves, shapes, all that basic form stuff. All with cheap thin tip pens on scrap paper.
After it, I'd draw something on a slightly nicer scrap paper and draw my lil daily drawing.
I did all 31 days and that made me feel confident enough

to burn through several sketchbooks the next year.
Did I stop self doubting? No. Lmfao.
I still do, all the time.
But I approach it differently now.

There's this very specific thing I want to see that I don't see anywhere, so I might as well bake my own cake and eat it.
At some point my greediness to see what I like out there outweighed

every "what if" I could have bc at the end of the day, I'm gonna fuck up anyway no matter what I do, because I'm supposed to fuck up because that's life and that's okay. So I might as well just do my shit and have some fucking fun while I'm at it.

At the end of the day, I love creating so fucking much.

I just want to create.
Can't do a full ass fancy novel? Mkay. A fic? A thread?
I'll tweet a tiny horny dumbass headcanon and that's cool. Or write something on my journal, just for me, and that's cool. It's out there.

Can't do a coolio ass comic or illustration? That's okay. I can do a bust of a serious anime boi looking left. I can do lines and circles on scrap paper just for me, just cos I can. Just so it's out there.

Not everything I do has to be big or perfect or public. It just have to be /out there/ .
Out of my chest.
It can do something else, something more, some other time.

##
That said, I know this sounds super cheesy and idealistic.
I know it's tough, especially if you're like me and struggle with mental illness and such.
We as creators are our worst judges - I myself can be so fucking merciless, a goddamn monster towards my own self

It can get really bad. Reaaally bad.
And those are the times in which I need to tell myself to fuck off and drop my hands. I need to take a fucking nap, drink some fucking water, eat some fucking food, take a fucking shower.
Bro you have no idea how pissed I get at me when i

reach this point. It sucks.
I have to cry my eyes out and ask for help- and I'm so fucking lucky that right now I have a bunch of friends that will very lovingly pull my head out of my ass and tell me to take a break. And I will listen.

They'll tell me things I'd tell everyone else I see struggling the way I do, but that somehow I don't apply to myself cos I'm just that much of an dickhead.
But it makes sense- I need to hear that logic from outside, even if it's so simple and I already knew it.

I'm very thankful I have these friends, I'm very lucky.
I know not everyone has this, so I hope this thread does at least a little bit of the job.

I need to be kinder, and remember to be more forgiving with myself. And remember that I'm here because I love doing what I do.
And everything starts over and it's okay.
I'm still gonna doubt myself, but it's just not gonna stop me anymore.