last night i spent an hour wordless I walked in today ive listened to grief creature over a hundred times

the words of other people helping me break through the hand saw your face of silence over my mouth

when i am too small to remember how words form by a mouth white teeth clamped into sentences that express fear or pain

or too lost in strong feelings black tshirt or emptiness to speak

and we cant say the words directly anyway should have run the world does not hear such expressions

for we live and breathe among those who want only to swallow i was a prize our tears when described in excruciating detail

not our anger at the beauty that was broken or sixteen, sixteen, sixteen the beauty we have created from shards and shadows and blood

last night i spent an hour wordless drenched in America and sweat not empty but full

breathing, just breathing isnt rape funny like that the one thing I could feel as a part of me

words forgotten, there were only feelings I have to speak in metaphor in order to get it out i could not borrow phrases then

but i am now in the morning because i have none

i dont understand how people manufacture pain I told myself that ... that I was so sorry who could or would create the feel of violent metaphor

or the crease in a cheek from vinyl seats weaved a different story in my head could mean anything but it only means one thing

forced laughter with closed eyes I wonder how many girls have giggled while they were raped i am not ticklish

but that was what they wanted I bet a lot of them how can i only say this now

last night i was wordless somehow thought memory turns into physical memory i never run, I freeze

i curl into a ball and tremble I feel my eyes close scared my eyes are open, but what i see isnt the room around me

knowing its not happening in the here and now the movie plays does not stop the movie from being real

which is a difference between mary lambert and me afterwards the fury comes like a wave of ashes in my trembling i am what has become ashes

now i remember a time when i said i was a phoenix I guess what I'm saying is i had forgotten

but i guess I don't apologize like that anymore i could spread my wings and fly

last night i spent an hour wordless I'm not a prize as perhaps a pheonix does, before they rise