I have beef with myself!!! Having a large audience on social media is fun and all but man did I completely take it the wrong way and let this amount of visibility suck the fun out of my journey.

I cant exactly pinpoint when it happened, but I started feeling all this pressure

to crank out content that was helpful and then it evolved from wanting to be helpful to wanting to be "right" and wanting to be some sort of leader.

Listen. I am a leader. In my truest essence, I always have been a leader but I am completely against leading those who do so

unconsciously. I lead MYSELF first of all. I am most passionate about MY SELF. That's my whole gag. I've lived an entire life as Denisse and that bitch is still surprising me and throwing plot twists every now and then.

I realized my journey with the Records stopped being fun when I started accepting people's projections expecting me to lead them. Not even help them. Just lead them. To where? Most people dont even know they just want someone to follow.

I felt all this pressure like I had to be the most perfect channel, have all the answers and basically I just felt like with this visibility I was no longer allowed to say "I dont know" or even "i was wrong!" without being invalidated and deemed some sort of fraud

On top of this, my confidence began lacking because this visibility includes people who are skeptic of the quality and validity of my work because I am considered young. And then I started being skeptic of myself and all others too.

But I know who I am. I was there when it all happened! I was there when I was the bad guy. I was there when I was the good guy and I was there when I was so convinced I has to be the good guy that I accidentally became the bad guy trying to punish the original bad guy.

Anyways, long story short, I just wanted to let you guys know that I appreciate every single show of support no matter how big or small. I feel this community is full of people who have CHOSEN to be here. And that's no small feat. I am grateful.

But please dont project onto me a savior trope and dont idolize me as a leader. I am leading myself and if you happen to desire to go where I want to go then OF COURSE it only makes rational sense to follow! And I'll welcome you and do my best to get you there more safely!

But wow it feels good to get this off my chest. I was really struggling until I realized it wasnt a lack of confidence that was my problem. It was an inappropriate sense of leadership and savior complex that was projected onto me and that I accepted bc I thought I had to.

But now that I'm rejecting it!!!! I am gonna go back to channeling for no reason, asking questions for no other reason except that I want to know and to sharing this information if I think it's useful or helpful to people!

Anyways. I hope you can cancel me sooner rather than later so I can stop being so rigid about my performance and standards when really I'm just a Master and a Pupil at the same time like all of you are.

Thank you and I love you :) even when you're wrong, misinformed, irritable and frustrated. I still am glad you are around so I hope this Mercy is extended to me and through me in equal parts one day.