I didn& #39;t get accepted into a single graduate program.

My girlfriend got laid off.

I& #39;m just so tired. I feel broken.
I don& #39;t know how I& #39;m supposed to be feeling or what I& #39;m supposed to do. I guess that a stronger person would just take everything on the chin and keep moving forward. Start planning for the next round of applications, apply for jobs, use my time effectively.
I don& #39;t know if I can do that. I don& #39;t know if I can even properly assess my own abilities or my worth.
I feel like I& #39;m in the same position that I was for years. My bachelor& #39;s is worthless beyond being the consideration fee for job applications.

Not that jobs currently exist with the pandemic happening.
The only thing that my master& #39;s degree has changed is that now I& #39;m technically qualified for certain positions that rightly get filled by the group of oversupplied and underpaid PhDs, of which I was trying really hard to join.
That& #39;s not to say that I was expecting anything to change. The degree was purely a stepping stone towards being able to apply for PhD programs, given that I had previously tried and failed multiple other ways to gain the research experience necessary to apply.
It& #39;s the reason why, between undergrad my master& #39;s program, I spent about four years wasting away in my room doing nothing.

I failed to get research experience as an undergrad, and I failed to get a job after graduation.
Maybe that& #39;s why it hurts so much to feel stagnant again. I thought that I pulled myself out of that swamp and battled through the inertia. But here I am again.
It feels like my fault. Did I overestimate my abilities and credentials? Did I apply to universities where my application wasn& #39;t competitive? Was nine applications too few? Did I misconstrue all of those potential advisors telling me to apply to their departments?
Maybe it was a sign when, multiple times, I was asked what I had lined up directly after finishing my master& #39;s, and I didn& #39;t have an answer beyond staying free for interviews, and then pending acceptance all of the planning required to transplant and start grad school.
Was I supposed to be applying for jobs and looking for volunteer positions? I mean, on top of the work that I was already doing finishing up my curriculum with a 4.0, finishing up data collection and analysis, writing my master& #39;s thesis, being a TA, and applying to grad schools?
I& #39;m so tired. Sleeping doesn& #39;t help.
I did get invited to interviews. Three, in fact. I thought that they went well. I guess everyone else& #39;s went better.
I got a few really nice personal rejection letters from potential advisors. All of them wished me luck in my future career, and they were excited to see the work that I would be doing.
That, combined with the fact that I did get invited to three interviews, suggests that I& #39;m technically competent.

All of my advisors/professors that wrote my letters of recommendation were really surprised.
I feel like I don& #39;t have purpose. I have a specialized set of skills and knowledge that is only applicable in a single context, and I& #39;m not allowed to inhabit that context.
I just want to participate. But right now I can& #39;t even do scientific reading or practice skills like coding because all it does is make my depressed. I can& #39;t even read positive science news without that pain in my chest, reminding me that I tried to be a part of that and failed.
So now I just spend all day on the couch, smoking weed and watching YouTube because what else am I supposed to do?
And I guess that I just hit the point of self loathing where Twitter seems like a great idea for some reason.
The only thing that gives me any amount of joy or excitement is the fact I& #39;m building a new computer.

Neither I nor my girlfriend have a source of income right now, and I& #39;m probably going to spend way too much money on it.
This is fine.
You can follow @M_Methuselah.
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