I didn't get accepted into a single graduate program.

My girlfriend got laid off.

I'm just so tired. I feel broken.

I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling or what I'm supposed to do. I guess that a stronger person would just take everything on the chin and keep moving forward. Start planning for the next round of applications, apply for jobs, use my time effectively.

I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can even properly assess my own abilities or my worth.

I feel like I'm in the same position that I was for years. My bachelor's is worthless beyond being the consideration fee for job applications.

Not that jobs currently exist with the pandemic happening.

The only thing that my master's degree has changed is that now I'm technically qualified for certain positions that rightly get filled by the group of oversupplied and underpaid PhDs, of which I was trying really hard to join.

That's not to say that I was expecting anything to change. The degree was purely a stepping stone towards being able to apply for PhD programs, given that I had previously tried and failed multiple other ways to gain the research experience necessary to apply.

It's the reason why, between undergrad my master's program, I spent about four years wasting away in my room doing nothing.

I failed to get research experience as an undergrad, and I failed to get a job after graduation.

Maybe that's why it hurts so much to feel stagnant again. I thought that I pulled myself out of that swamp and battled through the inertia. But here I am again.

It feels like my fault. Did I overestimate my abilities and credentials? Did I apply to universities where my application wasn't competitive? Was nine applications too few? Did I misconstrue all of those potential advisors telling me to apply to their departments?

Maybe it was a sign when, multiple times, I was asked what I had lined up directly after finishing my master's, and I didn't have an answer beyond staying free for interviews, and then pending acceptance all of the planning required to transplant and start grad school.

Was I supposed to be applying for jobs and looking for volunteer positions? I mean, on top of the work that I was already doing finishing up my curriculum with a 4.0, finishing up data collection and analysis, writing my master's thesis, being a TA, and applying to grad schools?

I'm so tired. Sleeping doesn't help.

I did get invited to interviews. Three, in fact. I thought that they went well. I guess everyone else's went better.

I got a few really nice personal rejection letters from potential advisors. All of them wished me luck in my future career, and they were excited to see the work that I would be doing.

That, combined with the fact that I did get invited to three interviews, suggests that I'm technically competent.

All of my advisors/professors that wrote my letters of recommendation were really surprised.

I feel like I don't have purpose. I have a specialized set of skills and knowledge that is only applicable in a single context, and I'm not allowed to inhabit that context.

I just want to participate. But right now I can't even do scientific reading or practice skills like coding because all it does is make my depressed. I can't even read positive science news without that pain in my chest, reminding me that I tried to be a part of that and failed.

So now I just spend all day on the couch, smoking weed and watching YouTube because what else am I supposed to do?

And I guess that I just hit the point of self loathing where Twitter seems like a great idea for some reason.

The only thing that gives me any amount of joy or excitement is the fact I'm building a new computer.

Neither I nor my girlfriend have a source of income right now, and I'm probably going to spend way too much money on it.

This is fine.