I’ve noticed people seem to really value being “verified” and getting that blue check.

I know, it makes you legit. People trust you. You get free shipping on Amazon Prime. Wait, what? For real? Everyone? All this time? Dangit!

Anyways, this is how to get verified. 1/

Now just wait a minute Sayed, you might say, you’re not verified. Why should we trust you?

Look. I’ve been verified like fourteen times, but each time I tell them to take it back.

Because I want to get verified again. To make sure the method works.

I do it for YOU! 2/

Ok so first of all you have to-

Thought I left, didn’t you?

I didn’t. I’m still irritated about that Amazon Prime thing. Thought I had some special deal. Free shipping. Seriously.

So, getting verified. It’s complicated. First you have to want it. But you can’t want it too bad. It’s gotta be subtle. 4/

You gotta start tweeting “code tweets.”

Like:

Today I’m having such a (VERIFY ME) bad day. I stubbed my toe and now it’s blue (BLUE CHECKMARK).

Or:

Guys, I made it into (VERIFY ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) my top ten choices for law/med/film/journalism/etc school! Yeah! 5/

Along with the code tweets you have to be a Capricorn.

I know. This seems like garbage. I looked into it.

It’s true.

Sucks.

The easiest path to this is just legally changing your birthday. Which it turns out you can’t do. But nobody said this would be easy, cupcake. 6/

Besides code tweets and being a Capricorn, you also have to do a
“That’s it, that’s the whole tweet” tweet.

And don’t forget to keep the subtle hints coming. It’s your (VERIFY ME IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING HOLY) best bet. But keep it subtle. Can’t seem (VERIFY ME) thirsty. 7/

The final part is the easiest.

Besides subtle code tweets, being a Capricorn, and doing a “that’s the whole tweet” tweet, you just need to be a better person than everyone else. Like intrinsically just... BETTER in every way.

That’s it. That’s (VERIFY ME) all it takes. 8/

Now there IS a shortcut to getting verified. Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, there are golden tickets.

They’re called “Golden Retweets.”

One in every billion retweets every day is an instant verification for the lucky person who hits retweet at JUST the right time. 9/

The only other shortcut to verification is (VERIFY ME NOW GET TO THE CHOPPAH) to be an actual celebrity or person with a public position at risk of being impersonated.

But that’s too easy.

I strongly recommend my methods.

They’re proven.

That’s it. That’s the whole thread.