Thread by @mstiefvater, ALL RIGHT. By request, here's the old #twitterfiction I wrote for @TWfictionfest [...]

ALL RIGHT. By request, here's the old #twitterfiction I wrote for @TWfictionfest 5 years ago.

It's from back when tweets were only 140 characters, if anyone can remember that long ago.

It is preserved in its original tiny-tweet form.

We begin:

This is a story about two gods. They created the world. Well, this one. This time.

#twitterfiction

Here’s the thing about gods. There are always gods creating worlds somewhere. Or destroying them. Either/or.

#twitterfiction

The first god(dess) was named ⊕, pronounced “Peregrine”.

#twitterfiction

Peregrine ˈperəɡrin/: noun
1. a powerful falcon found on most continents,

#twitterfiction

Peregrine ˈperəɡrin/: adjective
archaic
2. coming from another country; foreign or outlandish.

#twitterfiction

The second god was named Flavius Menta Regus Corcoran Elementius, pronounced “Josh.”

#twitterfiction

Josh: jäSH/ verb
1. to tease (someone) in a playful way.
"he loved to josh people"

#twitterfiction

Josh: jäSH/ noun
2. a dorky dude in a lowered Honda Civic

#twitterfiction

Here are a few things you should know about gods:
they’re awful
they’re awesome
they’re everywhere

#twitterfiction

Gods also love stories about themselves.

#twitterfiction

The gods had a monthly tradition of getting together to grab coffee and perform a miracle or create a natural disaster.

#twitterfiction

The coffee shop clung to the edge of California. Josh was in plaid. Peregrine was in leather.

#twitterfiction

“Hey, I asked for a whole milk latte,” Josh told the barista. “Pretty sure this is soy.”

“Oh God,” the barista said.

#twitterfiction

“Yup,” said Josh.

#twitterfiction

Peregrine ordered nothing. Actually, she was ordering Nothing, but no one knew it yet.

#twitterfiction

“What’s it going to be today?” Josh asked, accepting his new latte. “Miracle or disaster?”

#twitterfiction

Here’s some things you should know about Peregrine:
•she dresses in black
•she travels by motorcycle
•she’s watching you now

#twitterfiction

Troubled backstory time

#twitterfiction

This one time, Peregrine took a mortal as a lover and then accidentally killed him in a literally fiery make out session.

#twitterfiction

This very day was the hundredth year anniversary.

#twitterfiction

Peregrine pensively studied the leaden Pacific. “It’s Apocalypse time, baby.”

#twitterfiction

“Dur?” Josh asked. He had misheard her. He thought she said “Octopus time, baby.”

#twitterfiction

“I’m bored,” Peregrine said. “This place is lame. Plus I gave up caffeine, so there’s no point to anything.”

#twitterfiction

Josh realized she hadn’t said “octopus time.”

#twitterfiction

Untroubled backstory time

#twitterfiction

Josh had not always been a benevolent god, but then he spent 200 years in disguise at a monastery devoted to worshiping him.

#twitterfiction

Those monks were all right guys. They made a pretty good goat cheese, too.

#twitterfiction

“We can work through this,” Josh said. “Let’s destroy Iowa. That’ll bring your spirits right up.”

#twitterfiction

Peregrine looked at him. If the look had been pointed at Iowa, there’d be a hole in America’s Breadbasket.

#twitterfiction

“You could use Prudential Algebra,” the barista suggested to the gods. She had been listening in.

#twitterfiction

“If I’d wanted your opinion, I would’ve ordered it with his latte,” snarled Peregrine.

#twitterfiction

“Do you know what it is?” the barista persisted. “It’s Benjamin Franklin’s met—“

#twitterfiction

“Please,” said Peregrine. “I’m a god. I know everything.”

#twitterfiction

Knowing is not the same as caring.

#twitterfiction

The barista proffered her phone. “Here’s an article from Duke that’s relevant.”

#twitterfiction

“the framework uses the definition of the benefit concept from each method in a single preference function to reconcile differences”

#twitterfiction

“It provides a specific way to take account of baseline conditions and scope effects“

#twitterfiction

“The logic also offers a series of potentially observable "predictions" that can be used to gauge the plausibility of benefit transfers“

#twitterfiction

Both gods dozed off as she explained.

The barista finally said, “Look, it’s basically a fancy pro-con list.”

#twitterfiction

The author should note she’s not certain a pro-con list is the best way to decide the fate of the planet, because subjectivity.

#twitterfiction

For instance, show of hands in favor of saving the planet?

#twitterfiction

“Apocalypse now,” said Peregrine.

#twitterfiction

Octopus now.

#twitterfiction

“No, pro-con list now,” Josh said. “You do 6 reasons to destroy the world. I’ll do 6 to save it.”

#twitterfiction

The gods scribbled their lists on coffee shop napkins. The lists weren’t in English, but I’ll translate them for you.

#twitterfiction

REASONS TO SAVE THE WORLD
babies
profiteroles
Beastie Boys
monasteries
Las Vegas
Colin Firth’s mouth
#twitterfiction

REASONS TO DESTROY IT
babies
systemic poverty
apathy
sentimentality
Las Vegas
Deforestation
#twitterfiction

You’ll notice some things appear on both lists, like #twitterfiction.

“What kind of ersatz god puts BEASTIE BOYS on a pro-world list?” demanded Peregrine.

#twitterfiction

Josh looked confused.

#twitterfiction

er·satz
ˈerˌzäts,ˈerˌsäts/
adjective
1.(of a product) made or used as a substitute, typically an inferior one, for something else.

#twitterfiction

“Oh, thanks,” said Josh.

#twitterfiction

To Peregrine, Josh said, “Think of what you’ll miss! Motorcycles! Aviator sunglasses! Subwoofers! Leather pants!”

#twitterfiction

Peregrine narrowed her eyes. The last time she’d narrowed her eyes, a small Eastern European country had experienced a sudden plague.

#twitterfiction

“Suburbia, child brides, men who hate pit bulls and women who hate themselves,” Peregrine replied.

#twitterfiction

“Techno,” tried Josh, desperately. “Hate rock and long walks on the beach. Animals with fangs and fish that glow.”

#twitterfiction

Peregrine stood up. “Prejudice, anti-skateboarding signs, humidity, the last season of Sherlock, Alzheimer’s.”

#twitterfiction

“At least wait until the new Star Wars comes out,” Josh begged.

#twitterfiction

“Good bye, Flavius Menta Regus Corcoran Elementius.” Peregrine put on her mirrored aviators. “See you on the other side.”

#twitterfiction

The Pacific was beginning to boil.

#twitterfiction

“Wait!” the barista said. “WAIT! I have a reason to save the world.”

#twitterfiction

Peregrine didn’t remove her sunglasses. “Don’t beg for your life. That’s gross.”

#twitterfiction

“You’re gods, right?” said the barista. “You can be anywhere. Go find my sister.”

#twitterfiction

“Think of the children,” mocked Peregrine.

#twitterfiction

Josh was, in fact, beginning to think of the children. As P had pointed out, the gods knew everything. As I pointed out, this is not the same thing as caring.

#twitterfiction

He suddenly both knew and cared.

#twitterfiction

“A+ idea, coffee lady,” he said. He tipped the barista. Heavily. “Let’s go, Peregrine.”

#twitterfiction

Gods don’t really need to travel, as they ARE everywhere. But Josh was trying to please Peregrine, so they took her motorcycle.

#twitterfiction

The gods found the mortal girl burning something in a barrel behind their family’s duplex.

#twitterfiction

The barista’s sister was teen dressed in steel-toed boots, black jeans, aviator sunglasses, and a sneer.

#twitterfiction

She hated the world.

#twitterfiction

Peregrine stared.

#twitterfiction

Gods love stories about themselves.

/fin
#twitterfiction

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