ALL RIGHT. By request, here& #39;s the old #twitterfiction I wrote for @TWfictionfest 5 years ago.
It& #39;s from back when tweets were only 140 characters, if anyone can remember that long ago.
It is preserved in its original tiny-tweet form.
We begin:
It& #39;s from back when tweets were only 140 characters, if anyone can remember that long ago.
It is preserved in its original tiny-tweet form.
We begin:
Here’s the thing about gods. There are always gods creating worlds somewhere. Or destroying them. Either/or.
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#twitterfiction
Peregrine ˈperəɡrin/: adjective
archaic
2. coming from another country; foreign or outlandish.
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archaic
2. coming from another country; foreign or outlandish.
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The second god was named Flavius Menta Regus Corcoran Elementius, pronounced “Josh.”
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Here are a few things you should know about gods:
they’re awful
they’re awesome
they’re everywhere
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they’re awful
they’re awesome
they’re everywhere
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The gods had a monthly tradition of getting together to grab coffee and perform a miracle or create a natural disaster.
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The coffee shop clung to the edge of California. Josh was in plaid. Peregrine was in leather.
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“Hey, I asked for a whole milk latte,” Josh told the barista. “Pretty sure this is soy.”
“Oh God,” the barista said.
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“Oh God,” the barista said.
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Peregrine ordered nothing. Actually, she was ordering Nothing, but no one knew it yet.
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“What’s it going to be today?” Josh asked, accepting his new latte. “Miracle or disaster?”
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Here’s some things you should know about Peregrine:
•she dresses in black
•she travels by motorcycle
•she’s watching you now
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•she dresses in black
•she travels by motorcycle
•she’s watching you now
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This one time, Peregrine took a mortal as a lover and then accidentally killed him in a literally fiery make out session.
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“I’m bored,” Peregrine said. “This place is lame. Plus I gave up caffeine, so there’s no point to anything.”
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Josh had not always been a benevolent god, but then he spent 200 years in disguise at a monastery devoted to worshiping him.
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“We can work through this,” Josh said. “Let’s destroy Iowa. That’ll bring your spirits right up.”
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Peregrine looked at him. If the look had been pointed at Iowa, there’d be a hole in America’s Breadbasket.
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“You could use Prudential Algebra,” the barista suggested to the gods. She had been listening in.
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“If I’d wanted your opinion, I would’ve ordered it with his latte,” snarled Peregrine.
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“the framework uses the definition of the benefit concept from each method in a single preference function to reconcile differences”
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“It provides a specific way to take account of baseline conditions and scope effects“
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“The logic also offers a series of potentially observable "predictions" that can be used to gauge the plausibility of benefit transfers“
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Both gods dozed off as she explained.
The barista finally said, “Look, it’s basically a fancy pro-con list.”
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The barista finally said, “Look, it’s basically a fancy pro-con list.”
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The author should note she’s not certain a pro-con list is the best way to decide the fate of the planet, because subjectivity.
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“No, pro-con list now,” Josh said. “You do 6 reasons to destroy the world. I’ll do 6 to save it.”
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The gods scribbled their lists on coffee shop napkins. The lists weren’t in English, but I’ll translate them for you.
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REASONS TO SAVE THE WORLD
babies
profiteroles
Beastie Boys
monasteries
Las Vegas
Colin Firth’s mouth
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babies
profiteroles
Beastie Boys
monasteries
Las Vegas
Colin Firth’s mouth
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REASONS TO DESTROY IT
babies
systemic poverty
apathy
sentimentality
Las Vegas
Deforestation
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babies
systemic poverty
apathy
sentimentality
Las Vegas
Deforestation
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You’ll notice some things appear on both lists, like #twitterfiction.
“What kind of ersatz god puts BEASTIE BOYS on a pro-world list?” demanded Peregrine.
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er·satz
ˈerˌzäts,ˈerˌsäts/
adjective
1.(of a product) made or used as a substitute, typically an inferior one, for something else.
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ˈerˌzäts,ˈerˌsäts/
adjective
1.(of a product) made or used as a substitute, typically an inferior one, for something else.
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To Peregrine, Josh said, “Think of what you’ll miss! Motorcycles! Aviator sunglasses! Subwoofers! Leather pants!”
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Peregrine narrowed her eyes. The last time she’d narrowed her eyes, a small Eastern European country had experienced a sudden plague.
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“Suburbia, child brides, men who hate pit bulls and women who hate themselves,” Peregrine replied.
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“Techno,” tried Josh, desperately. “Hate rock and long walks on the beach. Animals with fangs and fish that glow.”
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Peregrine stood up. “Prejudice, anti-skateboarding signs, humidity, the last season of Sherlock, Alzheimer’s.”
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“Good bye, Flavius Menta Regus Corcoran Elementius.” Peregrine put on her mirrored aviators. “See you on the other side.”
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Josh was, in fact, beginning to think of the children. As P had pointed out, the gods knew everything. As I pointed out, this is not the same thing as caring.
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“A+ idea, coffee lady,” he said. He tipped the barista. Heavily. “Let’s go, Peregrine.”
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Gods don’t really need to travel, as they ARE everywhere. But Josh was trying to please Peregrine, so they took her motorcycle.
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The gods found the mortal girl burning something in a barrel behind their family’s duplex.
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The barista’s sister was teen dressed in steel-toed boots, black jeans, aviator sunglasses, and a sneer.
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