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CN mental health, suicide, self harm for the entire thread
Over the past weeks the subject of shame has come up again & again. The fact that I was never taught to be ashamed of being queer or trans or just different, that I to this day don& #39;t understand what that must feel like.
Over the past weeks the subject of shame has come up again & again. The fact that I was never taught to be ashamed of being queer or trans or just different, that I to this day don& #39;t understand what that must feel like.
One thing I realized while thinking more about this, is that the main thing I deal with isn& #39;t shame. It& #39;s guilt.
It& #39;s guilt over not being good enough, it& #39;s guilt over things that are easier or at least less hard for me than people around me. It& #39;s guilt over being privileged.
It& #39;s guilt over not being good enough, it& #39;s guilt over things that are easier or at least less hard for me than people around me. It& #39;s guilt over being privileged.
But to be honest, those are fine. Those are manageable. I understand where they come from, I know it& #39;s not the right response & I can deal with it.
What really fucks me up is guilt over not being able to help the people I love. Over not being able to make them happy all the time
What really fucks me up is guilt over not being able to help the people I love. Over not being able to make them happy all the time
I don& #39;t know what exactly planted this seed in me, just to be safe I& #39;ll go with childhood trauma brought on by a combination of being trans and having a mother who has always struggled with her own mental health. My internal sense of value is solely based on my value for others.
I am good because I am good for others. I am valuable because I am good for others. My life makes sense because I am good for others.
Take that away and there is nothing much left. Take away my feeling of usefulness or, god forbid, make me feel like I hurt someone and I crumble.
Take that away and there is nothing much left. Take away my feeling of usefulness or, god forbid, make me feel like I hurt someone and I crumble.
Questions of "what even is the point of my existence" come up immediately.
And in that moment it doesn& #39;t fucking matter that a bunch of others still find value in me for themselves. The spiral starts real fast and I have yet to find a way to reliably stop it.
And in that moment it doesn& #39;t fucking matter that a bunch of others still find value in me for themselves. The spiral starts real fast and I have yet to find a way to reliably stop it.
When I try to help them and I can& #39;t or can& #39;t help them enough, I have failed. And if I have failed, I *am* a failure.
The guilt over causing pain or not being able to take pain away from people hurts so bad, that it immediately triggers my self-harm issues. It is all consuming.
The guilt over causing pain or not being able to take pain away from people hurts so bad, that it immediately triggers my self-harm issues. It is all consuming.
I know non of this is healthy. I know non of it is logical. I know that I can& #39;t help everyone I want to help & that I already do so much for many. I know I need to overcome this if I want to do even better. I know what I do should already be plenty enough. I know, I know, I know.
And yet, when I find myself in this place, when I desperately want to take others& #39; pain away but there is nothing more I can do, when I feel like I am failing at what I care about the most, it takes me right back into this dark place where I deserve to hurt & suffer with them.
This place where I question the point of all of it. Where all the reasons why I could still find value in my existence fade away behind this one feeling of failure. Of guilt over not being enough. Over not being able to do the one thing I center my own value on.
I love y& #39;all
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="❤️" title="Red heart" aria-label="Emoji: Red heart">
I love y& #39;all
