CN mental health, suicide, self harm for the entire thread

Over the past weeks the subject of shame has come up again & again. The fact that I was never taught to be ashamed of being queer or trans or just different, that I to this day don't understand what that must feel like.

One thing I realized while thinking more about this, is that the main thing I deal with isn't shame. It's guilt.

It's guilt over not being good enough, it's guilt over things that are easier or at least less hard for me than people around me. It's guilt over being privileged.

But to be honest, those are fine. Those are manageable. I understand where they come from, I know it's not the right response & I can deal with it.

What really fucks me up is guilt over not being able to help the people I love. Over not being able to make them happy all the time

I don't know what exactly planted this seed in me, just to be safe I'll go with childhood trauma brought on by a combination of being trans and having a mother who has always struggled with her own mental health. My internal sense of value is solely based on my value for others.

I am good because I am good for others. I am valuable because I am good for others. My life makes sense because I am good for others.

Take that away and there is nothing much left. Take away my feeling of usefulness or, god forbid, make me feel like I hurt someone and I crumble.

Questions of "what even is the point of my existence" come up immediately.

And in that moment it doesn't fucking matter that a bunch of others still find value in me for themselves. The spiral starts real fast and I have yet to find a way to reliably stop it.

When I try to help them and I can't or can't help them enough, I have failed. And if I have failed, I *am* a failure.

The guilt over causing pain or not being able to take pain away from people hurts so bad, that it immediately triggers my self-harm issues. It is all consuming.

I know non of this is healthy. I know non of it is logical. I know that I can't help everyone I want to help & that I already do so much for many. I know I need to overcome this if I want to do even better. I know what I do should already be plenty enough. I know, I know, I know.

And yet, when I find myself in this place, when I desperately want to take others' pain away but there is nothing more I can do, when I feel like I am failing at what I care about the most, it takes me right back into this dark place where I deserve to hurt & suffer with them.

This place where I question the point of all of it. Where all the reasons why I could still find value in my existence fade away behind this one feeling of failure. Of guilt over not being enough. Over not being able to do the one thing I center my own value on.

I love y'all

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(I'm gonna be ok, please don't worry about me. I've dealt with this for a long time now and I am slowly getting a little better at it. I just wanted to share because I know I'm not alone with this and I want you to know that you are not alone with this either.)