“What is a paternalistic white man compliment?”

A compliment, typically given by a white man from a position of authority, that merely reflects the power differential between himself and the person he compliments (as opposed to genuine admiration or appreciation).

Classic Example: Veiling one’s surprise at the capabilities of someone assumed to be inferior. “You’re so intelligent and well-educated!” This compliment masks the fact that they didn’t think you *would be* intelligent and well-educated. But you *are* so good job little guy!

Another Example: Stifling frustration over one’s opinion being challenged by saying, “You’re smarter than this.” This is a command to get back into place veiled as a compliment. It appeals to your desire to be seen as “smart” in the eyes of this man.

This compliment, by its very nature, makes you want to win back his affirmation by proving to him that you ARE smart. But the only way you can do so is by listening to what he says. You’re only “smart” so far as you exist to confirm his authority. Don’t be dumb, get in line.

Another: Elevating one’s own perspective by encouraging an “inferior” to be the mouthpiece. “You’re so talented. Can you do/say XYZ for me? We’re so lucky to have you!” This one gives the appearance of appreciating someone when, in fact, the man just appreciates himself.

By allowing an “inferior” to be his mouthpiece, the man gets to pretend to value your perspective. In reality, if you ever try to say or do anything that he himself wouldn’t say or do, you get the boot. “I LOVE everything you do/say (as long as it’s what I do/say.)”

A lot of men throw their arms up at this point. “Is there no way to give a genuine compliment any more? Can’t I just be friggin nice to someone and not be accused of paternalism?”

Here’s the thing: there is NOTHING wrong with complimenting and appreciating another human being.

The problem behind paternalistic white man compliments is NOT the compliment itself but the paternalism behind it. If a man is paternalistic, the compliments he gives to ppl w/ lesser authority will *always* be paternalistic. Not because of what he says but because of who he is.

If you are a man and worried about paternalistic compliments, don’t focus on the compliments. Focus on *not* being paternalistic. Learn the types of mentalities that fuel paternalism and change yourself accordingly.

Been getting this question a lot since I referenced paternalism in a tweet last week. Just to be clear white men are not the only ones who can give paternalistic compliments. POC men can do it too. They just typically aren’t the ones doing it.