Some statements that should not be said ever again:

"She really straightened him out!"

"He's doesn't do that anymore. She won't put up with it."

"She put her foot down and he finally got his act together."

WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUR PARTNER'S MOTHER.

Every time I hear shit like that, all I can think is "That woman succeeded where I utterly failed. She is good. I am bad. I did not parent my husband properly."

And then I realize what complete, total fucking bullshit that is.

The 12 Steps are a miraculous tool for coping with alcoholics and addicts. But the first step is to admit you are powerless over their addiction.

That's very fuckin hard to do when our entire culture programs us to believe that we have magic healing powers to fix men.

It's the princess and the frog. Our kiss can transmogrify him!

If we are beautiful enough and pure enough, he'll transform!

If we are submissive enough to reinforce his ego, but just domineering enough to scare him into changing his ways, we can live happily ever after!

The real story is, the frog has to walk by a mirror, look in it, and say "Holy fuck! I look like shit. I better get back to being a prince before she gives up on me and dumps my ass."

I've been tormenting myself night and day nonstop for ten years. I berated myself while he was alive. I went full on real life Fight Club after he died. I've been holding myself to an inhuman standard. I will always feel like I failed to work enough magic that I don't even have.

In the end, I literally gave him to a goddess. He was drinking himself to death and it was killing *me and he would not stop. And so with the slopes of Haleakala at my back, I looked out to the Pacifc, and I said "he belongs to You now."

She took him 9 months later.

I went as far as a mortal woman can go and then some. And I'm here to tell you, please don't hold yourself or other women to a standard that even a divine being cannot meet.

Addicts don't get recovery unless *they want it for themselves.

Men will never collectively evolve as long as we hold women responsible for the behavior and emotional maturity of adult men.

Women will never achieve our full potential as long as we unduly burden ourselves.