I don't like being publicly vulnerable, especially on this hellsite, but one of my mental problems has been flaring up especially badly today and i fell like i might as well vent it somewhat positively. If thats even possible. Here goes 1/-

So anyone who knows me for more than a few minutes knows i have an extremely unhealthy obsession with my first ex. We've stayed in contact for years after the fact and it's resulted in a long cycle of mutual abuse. Worse still, much of it was my fault.

Which is to say after countless fallouts id often try to mend things. I found myself at a loss without his companionship, and often times id come back after he said he wanted nothing to do with me. All the same i kept finding ways to get past this.

To make matters worse, i harassed several of his friends during many drunken rants about my frustrations. This went on for a few years until 2018, when we met irl for the first time. Acknowledging that i missed someone i never really met is a doozy.

In the months leading up to this meeting, he would often tell me about what he would like to do with me, the plans we made kept me going through a particularly rough year for me. This was what always kept me coming back, this affection hed share

No matter how ugly things got i always craved his affection. Evey word he spoke was branded in my head, it gave me a sense of purpose. I was addicted to the point where i, no beating around the bush, became a stalker.

I said it. Im a fucking stalker.

On some level i want to blame it on his poor choice of compliments. Even after we broke up he would say things like we were soul mates, or that he understood how I'm fucked up because he was fucked up in the same way, understood me.

Im sure he regrets saying any of that now.

In the end though, the decision to keep coming back, to break through all his defenses were my own. I refused to listen to reason or acknowledge the obvious; that we were mutually toxic. Not that that was all i did, maintaining this wreck of a relationship.

Still, i want to get something about this off my chest, to say it still hurts me despite trying to move on. And that's what happened in our last tryst.

So in the efforts to keep him close, i ended up simping , as they say. Offering compliments, drawing fanart, lots of fanart, listening to his stories, went along with everything he wanted. I ended up drawing some heinous shit as a result. Stuff i wouldn't have considered.

This extended to mff 18, when i found out he didn't tell his boyfriend at the time about many of these plans. Things took a turn for the worst when he asked if i wanted to sleep with him, and to do so, help him guide his bf so he wouldn't have to ask.

I wanted this more than anything. All the compliments, the validation, being told stupid superficial stuff like how our avatars marched, all this grooming , i couldn't get enough of it. After everything i did to keep him close, i couldn't refuse now. So i agreed.

This went as well as anyone with a working brain can guess. His bf was upset, i was angry with everyone, especially myself, for this situation, and things went downhill from there. I drank. A lot.

I apologized to his bf and explained why i was looking forward to this so badly. I told him about what my ex and i planned to do. Bf said he didn't know, and i went ballistic. Already drunk, i ranted to his bf about how two faced he was, bf spoke about his problems too

Ex finds out. Sidebars with his bf and decides to blame me for everything, accusing me of trying to break them up so i can have him all to myself. Makes a big show about it with his friends. My friends.

I never said this before, but he was half right.

I didn't tell him all this so he could leave him to me. I told his bf this because he deserved better.

Alcohol. Am i right? What a shitshow.

Predictably, i missed him again and decided to apologize. Ex doubles down, talked down to me and called me delusional. Remember what i said about his words sticking with me?

Well that ones really been etched into me, let me tell you. Self worth , all time low.

Depression episode kicks in. Worst one in years. Months of immobilized shut in behavior.
I've been to various shrinks since then. Cant say I'm in a better place now but at least its not so bad. But those cravings just keep coming.

In the time since I've been blocked for good. Made efforts to try again, but all the avenues have since been used up. Months later i found out his bf left.

Somehow that didn't help.

Tonight marks yet another attempt. More folks harassed, more digital self harm as i roll this metaphorical boulder up the hill. I've got friends and sympathizers who talked me down, but im still here, feeling like i have a missing piece

Why do i care so much? Objectively speaking he was selfish, never owned up to his mistakes, drops people at the slightest disagreement, and uses self loathing to deflect any criticism. I should have moved on a long time ago. Now with this lockdown it's worse than ever.

I know it's not the person I'm missing. Its the validation. He was in the right pace and said the right things at one of my lowest points, and ever since I've been chasing that feeling. The feeling I'm loved when i think I'm unlovable.

It's 5 am. Im rereading a conversation i just had a few hours ago about getting more help and I'm skeptical as ever. After everything I've done, everyone I've hurt it's hard to believe i can ever recover.

But who the fuck knows. Maybe after confessing all this it wont be stuck in my head as badly. Maybe i can learn to stop hating myself so much. I guess some of you would be put the fuck off after this, but more likely no one will read this.

10 years. Ten years i kept at this psychotic cycle and i have nothing to show for it.

Nowhere to go but up, right? What choice do i have?

Uhhhh how to end this positively? That's probably yhe best decision.

Again, Maybe now it won't be some dark secret that eats away at me. Im not sure who i am without this problem, but ill find out. No more poking at the scabs. I guess it's time to let them heal for good