Today should be my wedding day. According to multiverse theory, somewhere in a parallel reality, it is. Today I’ll be live tweeting from both realities (at least until I get bored or forget.)

09:29AM Woken in London by Amazon delivery. Hungover.
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09:29AM Woken in Edinburgh by my mother. Told her not to come until 12. She’s brought breakfast which she expects me to cook. Begrudgingly, inevitably, I do. Hungover.

11:45AM Descaling the coffee machine.
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11:45AM At Mums (the cafe, not my mum), which does the worst coffee in Edinburgh but the best pancakes.

13:12PM In Budgens buying bagels. Not allowed within 2m of anyone.
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13:12PM At least 15 people have hugged me so far today, of which at least a third are strangers.

13:21PM Might have a shower and get dressed.
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13:21PM TIES, WHERE ARE THE FUCKING TIES

13:44PM Second bunch of flowers has arrived. Searching the cupboards for something to put them in because we only have one vase.
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13:44PM Zakk has arrived. He looks better than us. We knew this would happen.

13:58PM MY WAYFAIR DELIVERY JUST CAME! I’ve been waiting 2 weeks for this
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13:58PM Two texts from @RWFunnell: “have you got the rings, I can’t find them” and another 2 minutes later: “nvm they were in my other pocket”. Actually we do have the rings, we gave him decoys.

14:25PM Timelines beginning to merge

14:30PM This is it guys. Parallel universe Pete and Bruce are married. Cheers to those guys.