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although it may seem like i post a lot about whats going on in my life, i really only show a small portion of it. i never really talk about my feelings and mental health and i feel like this might be a good way to get some stuff off my chest.
i have struggled w my mental health for a long time but since moving away to college it has seemed to get even worse. i’ve seen therapists and psychiatrists before and was diagnosed with depression in 10 grade, i thought that was it and i finally understood the way i was feeling
it wasnt until my freshman year of college when everything seemed to change. I broke up w my long term boyfriend and after that jumped from guy to guy. i thought i was happy w my so called “hoe stage” but it really just took a toll on me.
i thought “oh its just me living out my freshman year this is supposed to happen,” when in reality i was putting myself into dangerous situations, hooking up w random guys that would take advantage of me
my life really changed after i came back from a frat party. I was drunk and high and this guy noticed i was vulnerable, he lured my stupid self into a car and what happen, happened. i played it off as a joke but in reality it affected me so terribly and still affects me today
i remember after that visiting home and picking up old self harming techniques i havent done in over a year. i have very minimal scarring on my wrists but my legs are covered bc thats the easiest place to hide.
i finally started to see a therapist about everything who then referred me to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner. since the covid outbreak and quarantine i havent been able to see either of them face to face which makes it more difficult w being evaluated
my nurse practitioner needed more time w me to fully give me a diagnosis. she brought up possibilities of either certain mood disorders or personality disorders but told me i needed more time w her before we could properly diagnose me
with this whole outbreak happening it has put a strain on my mental health. not fully knowing whats wrong w you can really fuck w you. i constantly wish for a clear answer but i know its not that simple.
both my therapist and nurse practitioner have suggested multiple times that i have an evaluation down in my hometown since it would he difficult to drive up to jax several times to see them. i have told my mom everytime i get off the phone w them but she doesntnseem to listen
and since being home i feel like i need it even more. i spend most of my days running only off of caffeine bc of the 0 sleep i get, but at the same time i feel like i dont need sleep. my body confidence has changed, i look in the mirror and feel as if i look different everyday
and not in a good way. i met someone who i thought would he good for me but he ended up taking advantage of me. my eating habits have gotten worse. my mood changes from happy to angry to overly energized to just feeling empty.
im sorry i dont know what this thread is and it probably makes no sense. i’ll probably end up deleting all of this soon bc of embarrassment
