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You know, sometimes you need to just publicly say you’re not doing well. It’s a big part of the human experience yet we’re always conditioned to try and put the best face on everything/mask how we’re doing.
I’m going to just go ahead and say it: I’m not doing well.
I’m going to just go ahead and say it: I’m not doing well.
There’s a lot that’s been floating around my head the past few months or so, and being quarantined is only making things worse.
I constantly think about death. Sometimes it’s wanting to die, not because I hate living, but because I’m tired of life being so hard.
Sometimes it’s being scared to die, not because I’m scared of the end, but because I’m afraid everything I’m doing isn’t good enough. Scared of the constant fear that I’m wasting my life. I’m terrified of the idea of not doing what I could be doing more of at all times.
These thoughts rattle in my head way too often. Almost constantly. I’m always trying to work through this constant in fear of my own existence that it’s eating my life. It terrifies me, and I need help.
Also I’m scared of never finding true love. This is something I really struggle with because I feel like I’ve never been on the receiving end of someone who romantically feels strongly about me.
I have a really hard time with dating and showing interest. I’m picky. I lack confidence. And because of that inexperience I get inside my head and am really scared.
I’m feeling it now more than ever because of this complete lack of social interaction. It’s the right thing to do but it makes it difficult to feel like I’m progressing as a person and I just feel stagnate.
There is a lot I’m fortunate for. I have a good job. I have a lot of people that care about me. I have both my parents and a sister that love me unconditionally. But there’s this longing for more and it scares me.
That’s it. I’ve just really needed to yell all of these things out for the past few months. I’ve talked with my parents and multiple friends but it still lingers. I very much want to go back into therapy, which I’m going to look into tomorrow.
If you read this, thanks for listening. Like I said, sometimes you just need to say you’re not doing well. I might not be now but hopefully I will be soon.
