Thread by @BabiiBabsiii, Grabe dati noh, I really have thought my ex was the bestest [...]

Grabe dati noh, I really have thought my ex was the bestest option out there, thinking like he's a rare gem and I can't have another one like him and I'd rather wallow in pain for the perceived loss than be with someone who can potentially love me more than how I love people

I was depressive since I was 5 years old. It was untreated until today. Have hurt myself a thousand times. Suicide was always on my mind. On college days, professors keeps on talking to me, showing concerns on how my mental health was affecting my responsibility as a student

My family, whom I've disclosed my dilemma, sees it as trivial. It's always hard for me to cope to certain stressors 'cause I have unresolved trauma and was always have been tied up with my bad coping skills thinking it's the best way to deal my shits 'cause

it were the techniques that worked so much to help me before, dealing shits on my own but were very destructive for me today. I tried reaching out to professionals but, I am finding it hard to build rapport due to my past experience with a guidance counselor

Literally, the break-up I had was so hard for me to cope. I am in loop for more than 5 years and my experience with him make the symptoms worse. A very bad trigger. I don't wanna kill me because he broke up with me. I wanna kill me because I'm tired with the pain -

I have been dealing shits on my own since I was very young and I need to deal this biggest hell alone and I am so tired, might as well end me so everything would stop. Just, plainly stop.

I didn't know, I'd reach this point in my life where I found the strength to literally stand up for me. Naanad ko mudagan all the time, kept thinking suicide is the answer and be numb as it is the fastest way to get myself out from overwhelming pain.

In this trying time, it is really important to keep on giving yourself enough time to process what you feel - deal with it accordingly rather than keep putting it aside, branding it as unimportant 'cause it will keep on going back to you in bigger waves

And, be drowned by it is never good for you and the people around you.

Right now, I'm trying catharsis - writing everything down and talking about it for more than an hour and take note with the progress each day. I am so desperate right now to pull myself out

from the loop and prevent an upcoming cycle of depressive episode to overwhelm me again. Also, the biggest factors were the environment and habits.

I have cut off ties to people who were once hold a special place in my heart, the ones I have dearly called friends but

so very destructive to my peace. And, I got support from someone today who was rooting for my healing and is willing to wait for me to be back on my feet and be the better version of who I've been.

Out of all the options out there, may we always choose hope, healing, and love.

I have mantras I kept telling myself whenever my brain is tempted to ruminate.

I am loved
I am enough
I am worthy
I am healing
I am a work in progress

Right now, I'm restricting communication with certain individuals who could spark triggers and I'm working on so much to address rumination and the big sad.

I am hopeful I'll be able to have enough strength to counterpart an upcoming depressive episode and could change the course of my moodpath and acquire new sets of working coping mechanisms that would yield positive outcomes.

This thread is a reminder for me and hopefully for anyone who could read it that betters days will come, it surely will. It could be dark today, very dark that it would make your senses numb to think that the situation you're in wouldn't get any better and

you'll be stuck there for god knows how many time.

It will get better.
Wounds will scar.
Scars will sure be up there to remind you not of the pain but on how you have conquered your battle very well

And, you will keep conquering them.

"The Lord shall fight for you and you shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14

Believe.
Always believe.
He who allows you to be on that situation is the same God who will deliver you out from it.

Keep on learning and be a better person out from it.

That may we all have a heart like David and an understanding like Abraham.

May our pain and circumstances never harden us 'cause "we aren't what happened to us, we are who we choose to become" (Carl Jung).

And let us always choose onwards and betterment.

Amen.

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