I feel like this time of #COVID19-related social/physical distancing fatigue is actually the perfect moment to talk about the trouble with "codependency" as a uniquely American and pathologizing construct. (a thread?)

Hear me out. "Codependency" as a construct has a parallel history to the development of the "alcoholic"/"addict" identity from the 12-step AA history. Al-Anon's origins can be traced to the meetings for white women whose "alcoholic" husbands went through AA.

Though many of these women did not have problematic relationships with alcohol themselves, they maintained problematic ties with their husbands who had drinking problems. The fellowship "helped" them see their role in relationship dynamics and their choice in partners.

The emergence of these fellowships cannot be separated from American history and culture at the time- the budding nuclear family unit, romantic marriages rather than arranged marriages, and broader notions of individualism. All with a splash of the patriarchy and misogyny.

Though these meetings for wives/partners started as a place for them to heal, I would say that what has developed over decades of Al-Anon is a now an overly used and pathologized relational term - "codependency."

These women (and now, children, friends, siblings, and other significant others) who maintained to the "addict/alcoholic" are now identified as "codependent." It can mean a lot of things - someone w no boundaries, no self, no limits, who accepts unconditionally, who 'enables'...

All traits that many cultures would say are actually quite normal, acceptable, and PREFERRED for the prototypical cisheteronormative wife- now were pathologized for the first time. Because she stayed with an "alcoholic/addict," thereby enabling his "disease."

And it's interesting to me that the US was the first place to pathologize this. I mean, at a time when many women weren't in the workforce, divorce was a scarlet letter, & financial independence was impossible - this sounds like smart survival. Don't leave him no matter what.

If you have no safe pathway to leaving him because you couldn't go out on your own and your family/culture would shun you - of course, you would stay with him. Clean up after him. Make sure he doesn't lose his job. Take care of the kids. Avoid confrontation and a beating.

In some corners of the US and world, sure, this may no longer be pragmatic. You may be able to leave relatively unscathed. And sticking around says more about you than him. But the modern codependency construct has no space for you if you actually WERE powerless.

The individualism of white American Protestant culture, combined with pseudo-gender-equality-as-long-as-women-act-more-like-what-we-socialize-men-to-act-like ends up privileging avoidant/detached relational styles rather than allowing ppl to be expressive, emotive, interdependent

Human beings are social creatures. We've only lasted this long BECAUSE we are interdependent and interconnected. Because we put up with eachother. Because we care for eachother. Because we take turns and serve different roles. Only in the US is interdependence a sign of weakness.

Now I'm not saying that some of us don't have relationships where perhaps we have given too much of ourselves, sacrificed in ways that hurt, and should have thought of ourselves first. But isn't that a very human dilemma, actually? And one that implicates 2 parties, not just one?

How about calling it "codependence" we just say that we could all use a little help navigating our very real need for "interdependence"? Never have I been reminded of this more than right now, when ppl are struggling with distancing and masks. Feeling disconnected.

Yes, I saw that woman's video about her struggle wearing a mask and wanting to hold babies and hug people. The judgment I heard was a brand of the same judgment we pass against "codependents."

"Have some self-respect." "Toughen up." "Come on, you don't NEED him/her/them."

Anyways, I think I'm going to stop here. I know it's maybe not the thread you voted for a few weeks ago , but it's the one you got!