So I notice the final two twilight movies are "breaking dawn parts 1 and 2" - are they actually just two halves of one story? And if so, should I watch them both in one sitting? -R

my brother was gonna watch this with me until I explained the plot of the first three movies and he decided a love of garbagey romance doesn't mean he wants to watch actual trash

these werewolves must go through a lot of board shorts

I genuinely quite like that Bella has been consistently uncomfortable with the whole traditional marriage thing, and that extends to Alice and the others being WAY more enthusiastic about this reception than she is. It's at least a personality trait

all right that was a genuinely well-done fakeout, making us think edward in his murder phase was going after the innocent lady when he was actually going after the murdery dude going after the lady

also way to remove all moral ambiguity from your gritty vampiric murder-backstory

if I ignore how creepy the core premise of this whole relationship is and the coercion of the whole "marriage for vampirism" trade, I can genuinely enjoy this opening sequence of pre-wedding jitters for its good character moments and overall solid acting

Charlie instantly realizing the Cullens have an art piece made of four dozen graduation caps just really confirms that they absolutely suck at keeping their secret

an outdoor reception on grass and they put an unprepared Bella in two-inch heels? methinks Alice wants to kill her

it's a very pretty wedding but it doesn't really make up for three movies full of red flags or the part where she's eighteen and hasn't done anything except highschool

oh boy, the wedding toasts! I haven't felt secondhand embarassment like this since the first movie

again it's a very nice wedding and these new vampires are cool but it feels like a lot of payoff for three movies of no real buildup

mmmm, lots to dislike about this "jacob gets physically violent because he's worried bella's gonna die from edward's super-strong boning" scene

I've said it before but I can't overstate how much I despise this "werewolves as natural domestic abusers" thing they went with

Like if you wanna write a love triangle write a love triangle, don't keep making one member a worse and worse person just because too many people are siding with him over your dream man

carlisle gives the newlyweds an island and their own beach house, jacob is sad and alone in the woods, wonder who we were supposed to be rooting for all along

d'you guys mind if I mentally check out for the obligatory sex scene

man it just keeps going

the pop song in the background about "surrendering my former self~" is reeeeeally making this scene

bella desperately attempts to convince her boyfriend to keep boning her as his guilt complex over being A Monster Baby threatens to turn their perfect marriage into a celibate one

I'm sorry but this is genuinely so funny - she's clearly so into this for the physical side of things but edward is being such a weenie about it because of Vampire Angst and bella literally can't get it through his 109-year-old skull that she likes it rough

almost like… rushing into marriage…… before you really know the person……… can lead to strife in the relationship…………

boy howdy I sure am uncomfortable for how much everyone loves talking about bella getting boned to death

hoho, how amusing it is that the native ticuna housekeepers must clean up the bed these two beautiful white people wrecked

a huge open-plan bathroom with a slatted door/wall and literally zero privacy from the outside? truly the lap of luxury

bella is less than two weeks pregnant and she's already showing and "feeling something moving" which I think means you have a tapeworm and not a pregnancy

always handy to have a conveniently magical indigenous person around to exposit about new plot developments

oh no, it's a deadly monster-baby that's gonna kill the mother, and edward wants it gone but bella wants to keep it, I wonder what this is about

"but I love the chestburster D:"

congrats, jacob, the plot has finally given you a role beyond "abusive not-boyfriend" - now you get to try and talk bella into having an abortion she doesn't want!

bella's really speedrunning an unhappy marriage here - honeymoon, disappointment that the spark is gone, pregnant, dying

wait this jacob-defying-the-alpha thing was a genuinely cool concept - the wolf CGI is dodgy and the voice acting is a bit weird, but I like how the werewolf stuff is finally actually getting a little respect

jacob gets a mini-pack of his own and I don't hate it, and the sole lady-werewolf finally acquired a personality beyond "bitch"

that montage of "immortal children" research had shots of Kronos eating his kids, that japanese giant skeleton youkai and a shot of a regular-ass nightmare demon. none of those are vampire babies. can these research montages please have a little more effort in them

edward's miffed that bella's making the Choice to die and leave him with the baby she's making a Choice to keep even though everyone tells her this Choice is bad for her and edward has no Choice in the matter do you get the themes here

with bella largely out of the picture, jacob and edward's dynamic is honestly pretty chill and I dig it

"Jacob just had an idea"
"It wasn't an idea, it was a snide comment"

god I feel really bad for charlie, he doesn't deserve to be locked out of the loop like this

aww, ok, edward being able to hear the lil baby fetus's thoughts is sweet

although did this movie just make a hard statement on when exactly the mind/soul manifests during fetal development

so there's a full moon overhead and jacob is still person-shaped, does this universe respect ANY of the classic monster rules

I'm with rosalie on this one, these baby names suck ass

has anyone photoshopped bella over that meme with the white lady and the chalkboard full of ridiculous baby names

sorry did she bend over and break her own spine

did… did I interpret that wrong or did he literally bite the baby out of her

k yes cute baby covered in jam, please concentrate on how bella is super about to die

oh no she's hollywood dead, if only you hadn't faffed about for a solid minute with baby reneesme

all right but you know what, the scene of jacob saying "you deserve to live with this" and confidently striding out, slowing down, crouching down, and then curling into a ball and SOBBING was genuinely good

oh god CGI baby alert

cool so jacob just imprinted on an infant and had a vision of her hot adult self

if imprinting is all about being "a friend, a brother, a protecter" then why is all the focus on these glamour shots of how pretty she'll be as an adult

man I love how all these movies promise high stakes and then resolve them incredibly anticlimactically

jeez, imagine explaining this to charlie if bella DIDN'T come back as a vampire. "yea she said she was ill, she looks incredibly gaunt and drained and there's bite marks all over her body and you can literally see her skull, but don't worry, we promise there was no foul play"

turning into a vampire gives you glittery eyeshadow and mascara?

OKAY that's the first part done, I need a quick snack break brb

these opening credits are interminable

how did the super-speed CGI get worse since the second movie

also I'm gonna give due credit, I liked the little scene when they first hugged of "hey bella… you're a lot stronger than I am right now", it was cute and a surprisingly human moment

scuse me, she just ripped a mountain lion open, no way is that blue dress still pristine

this is the fakest-looking infant I've ever seen. how hard would it have been to find a real cute baby

god the discomfort of jacob having to explain that he imprinted on bella's daughter

ok book-readers, how much of Jacob frantically explaining that imprinting Doesn't Mean What You Think It Does is a saving throw on the part of the movie to avoid diving headfirst into pedo territory

kk, jacob actually having been in love with bella's future daughter is… completely batshit, but it's An Explanation for why he liked her so much. but are they implying the reverse, too? suggesting that bella only liked jacob cuz one of her eggs was his soulmate?

these movies really like simultaneously highlighting Bella's autonomy and Right To Choose Even If Her Choices Are Dangerous and then giving her zero autonomy in her actual life, and "no the love triangle wasn't actually real" is just one part of this

wake me up when the vampire sex scene is over

look I'm no expert and I get the appeal of the whole "endless endurance no need to sleep" thing but like… won't it get boring

I genuinely don't understand why Bella has to pretend to be dead and can't be seen by anyone now. She looks exactly the same. Just hang out around town less and mostly stay indoors, then move away in five, ten years when your whole ageless thing might start drawing attention.

props to jacob for actually looping charlie into the whole secret world

who cares about twilight from edward's perspective, I wanna see twilight from charlie's perspective, it's gotta be completely bananas

oh god, and charlie hugs bella, reacts in confusion, hugs her again - he's clearly noticed how cold and stiff she is but still loves her anyway ;-;

be kind of awkward if one of them snapped their arm off at the elbow during this arm-wrestling competition. as I recall from the third movie, vampire fledglings are about as sturdy as styrofoam

welp, half an hour in, everything is fine and awesome and boring except reneesme is an abomination against nature and the volturi want her dead

Finally, some solid worldbuilding. If there's one thing everyone can agree on, it's that making children into immortals is a baaaaaaad idea

This all feels very… sequel-y? like the first story wrapped up and now we're stuck in the next-gen sequel with a new cast we don't particularly know or like

I think it's cuz vampire bella feels like a whole new character we've gotten zero time to get to know, reneesme has had like two lines so far, and they're introducing us to new vampires by the truckload

scuse me, they have a vampire avatar who can manipulate all the elements, and bella's canonical super-cool vampire power is… not wanting to drink blood much?

This is a lot to put in one movie. Most of it is narration explaining what's happening because there's way too much to show instead of telling.