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TW // Addiction
Just want to put this here because I know it can be a hard topic for many so please be careful & take care of yourself. I don’t want anyone to be in pain because of my personal experiences so if these topics are hard to approach, please be weary
Just want to put this here because I know it can be a hard topic for many so please be careful & take care of yourself. I don’t want anyone to be in pain because of my personal experiences so if these topics are hard to approach, please be weary
I honestly didn’t expect to start crying after listening to Dear My Friend but the whole song felt like someone had ripped the band aid off a wound that’s been sitting there for years. It was hard but I’m so many ways, healing? https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/2020/05/22/dear-my-friend-feat-jw-of-nell/
I lost a very dear friend of mine to substance abuse & it was such a heart wrenching process because I watched this person I loved with all my heart wither away right in front of me & DMF expresses everything I felt during that time & still today
There is a guilt you end up carrying around with you for a long time because no matter what you do, no matter what you did, you couldn’t bring them back from it all. You couldn’t pull this person back who has been beside you for so long & that really eats away at you
It’s frustrating, it makes you angry, it breaks you up. You find yourself angry at yourself. You find yourself angry at them. The person who once would be there at every call, every text, now they’re unreachable. You worry everyday. Where are they? Who are they with? Are they ok?
but soon enough you end up becoming the only thing that’s trying to separate them from the only thing they want & that makes them push you away. We went from talking everyday to speaking once every few months. It was awful, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get through.
& soon enough he just cut contact. the worst part, the moment I really felt like I was losing was when he came to me, months after no contact & asked me for money. nothing else. just money. despite him knowing I had been through a really traumatic time due to other issues but-
I could see it in his face, he just didn’t care? I didn’t want to give up, I tried to take care of myself better so I could take care of him better. I knew I had my own health issues but I couldn’t stop trying with him either because if I did, he was gone
but the whole thing was spinning out of control, I couldn’t figure out how to stop it, I didnt know what to do. he was getting arrested & he got more aggressive & suddenly this person who made me feel so safe, made me so afraid. after he got aggressive with me, I felt broken tbh
So when yoongi said “if I had held u back then, no, if I had stopped u back then” that’s what haunts me the most. if I could go back, where do I go back to? do I go back to the first time he used? the first time he met the people that dealed him? where do I go? how do I stop it?
I feel for yoongi, I really do, it’s so hard to watch someone slip. There was a time I felt like I hated him for what he’d done, but it wasn’t hatred for him. It was hatred for the substance, for what it did to his life, for what it did to his family, for what it did to us.
It’s such a difficult place to be stuck because I knew it was hard for him, I knew it, but to help keep him away from harm meant putting myself in harms way too. He would get so angry so quickly, he’d shove drugs in my face when he knew I wasn’t doing well myself
Yoongi writes “there was no way to bring you, who was my only friend, back” and that’s exactly what it becomes. He didn’t want help, he didn’t want to be sober, he didn’t want his family, his friends, me. Here stood a man that was completely different to who I loved.
It’s an odd thing to go through. You feel things you never felt before & god I hated myself for it all. I hated that I couldn’t do more, that I wasn’t able to get through to him, that I had no power to take him away from it. I felt so helpless & that was the worst.
His mum once said to me that the son she knew has died and yet she can’t even mourn his loss. That stuck with me for a while. we had lost every bit of who he was & yet he was right there. We had lost him & yet he still existed. We missed him despite him being in front of us
I just hope & pray that no one else who goes through this feels that guilt, that helplessness, that self hate that bubbles away inside of you. I’m sorry that he had to go through this, I’m sorry he lost his friend & im sorry to anyone else who is experiencing the same thing
but most of all, I’m sorry to my friend, to the person he was & the person I couldn’t save. I really do miss him with all my heart & although time has passed, I remember him all the same.
I hope anyone who listens to Dear My Friend realises that Yoongi gave a very open & honest account of such a hard experience. You can hear his sorrow, his anger & his grief. or perhaps that’s just the way it is for me? nonetheless, thank you yoongi. its hard.. but it’s healing
