yesterday I spent an hour and a half kneeling in wet grass, brushing through patches of clover https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1263586535267418112

I'd gone to the park to have some feelings

the park was almost entirely seeded with clover

(this is a very good thing to do to lawns if you aren't an HOA)

I couldn't resist looking

I used to find four-leaf clovers all the time

I found my first one when I was seven, visiting my cousin in Portland

I found it in the field at her elementary school

I can't remember if she ever found one; I think maybe not, because I remember her being mad at me

after that, I searched nearly every time I saw a clover patch

about 1 in 10 times, I would actually find one

sometimes, out of frustration or in hopes of "tricking" the concept of good luck, I would take a 3-leaf clover genlty and tear one of the leaves in half

when I was around 10 years old, my family went to a large reunion at my great-grandmother's family farm in rural Idaho

every year the adults would take the kids on a long hike through the hills

that year, the trail was covered in sprawling patches of clover

as we hiked, I would pause every so often and brush through the clover patches

I found a few 4-leaf clovers on the hike itself, the most I'd ever found in one go

when we stopped to rest, I got to work investigating a particularly large patch

I found more than a dozen

by the time we got back to the farm, my total was 27

27 four-leaf clovers

I was elated, but wary

it seemed plausible that this was it -- I had used up all of the "magic" that I was allotted in life

I am by nature deeply superstitious, a trait I tried unsuccessfully to squash in high school

I was always looking for magic, half-convinced I'd find myself with the ability to fly, the ability to cast spells, or walk in on my stuffed animals conducting their own affairs w/o me

and I had so many *rules*

while I occasionally tried to "outsmart" the magic and catch it in the act, it also seemed important that I just happen upon it

when hours of unsuccessful attempts at flight or telekinesis inevitably failed, I would switch to a new strategy

the "throw yourself at the ground and miss" strategy

clearly, magic was shy

so I would "accidentally" miss the last step on the staircase

or "forget" that I had "accidentally" left a hair specifically placed on a teddy bear (which would, of course, move if the bear got up and walked around)

I used to play that game with flower petals

"he loves me, he loves me not," alternating each option as you tear petals off one by one

I would sweep my gaze over the flower, "accidentally noticing" the number of petals

and then think of something else, loudly, to "forget"

I would then "accidentally" start chanting the options with the one that would leave me with my preferred outcome

alas, I eventually discovered that my crushes at age eight were unmoved by divinatory forces

I passed out my 27 four-leaf clovers to family members

fighting back a creeping conviction that this was the last magic I would ever get

that I may never find another four-leaf clover again

and, well

I didn't.

until yesterday

when I brushed through the clovers out of nostalgia

and found that dormant, childlike deal-making impulse

"if I find one, mom will be fine, it will all be fine."

silly, right?

I spent an hour and a half

and found one right as I was standing up to leave

the reasonable part of my brain is chanting at me now

about statistics, about how if you look through a few thousand clovers you're bound to find one

but it's being very quiet and I'm not taking it too seriously, right now

it will comfort me later, if...well

best leave that train of thought alone

best not to upset the magic