yesterday I spent an hour and a half kneeling in wet grass, brushing through patches of clover https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1263586535267418112">https://twitter.com/selentele...
I& #39;d gone to the park to have some feelings

the park was almost entirely seeded with clover

(this is a very good thing to do to lawns if you aren& #39;t an HOA)

I couldn& #39;t resist looking
I used to find four-leaf clovers all the time

I found my first one when I was seven, visiting my cousin in Portland

I found it in the field at her elementary school

I can& #39;t remember if she ever found one; I think maybe not, because I remember her being mad at me
after that, I searched nearly every time I saw a clover patch

about 1 in 10 times, I would actually find one

sometimes, out of frustration or in hopes of "tricking" the concept of good luck, I would take a 3-leaf clover genlty and tear one of the leaves in half
when I was around 10 years old, my family went to a large reunion at my great-grandmother& #39;s family farm in rural Idaho

every year the adults would take the kids on a long hike through the hills

that year, the trail was covered in sprawling patches of clover
as we hiked, I would pause every so often and brush through the clover patches

I found a few 4-leaf clovers on the hike itself, the most I& #39;d ever found in one go

when we stopped to rest, I got to work investigating a particularly large patch

I found more than a dozen
by the time we got back to the farm, my total was 27

27 four-leaf clovers

I was elated, but wary

it seemed plausible that this was it -- I had used up all of the "magic" that I was allotted in life
I am by nature deeply superstitious, a trait I tried unsuccessfully to squash in high school

I was always looking for magic, half-convinced I& #39;d find myself with the ability to fly, the ability to cast spells, or walk in on my stuffed animals conducting their own affairs w/o me
and I had so many *rules*

while I occasionally tried to "outsmart" the magic and catch it in the act, it also seemed important that I just happen upon it
when hours of unsuccessful attempts at flight or telekinesis inevitably failed, I would switch to a new strategy

the "throw yourself at the ground and miss" strategy

clearly, magic was shy
so I would "accidentally" miss the last step on the staircase

or "forget" that I had "accidentally" left a hair specifically placed on a teddy bear (which would, of course, move if the bear got up and walked around)
I used to play that game with flower petals

"he loves me, he loves me not," alternating each option as you tear petals off one by one

I would sweep my gaze over the flower, "accidentally noticing" the number of petals

and then think of something else, loudly, to "forget"
I would then "accidentally" start chanting the options with the one that would leave me with my preferred outcome

alas, I eventually discovered that my crushes at age eight were unmoved by divinatory forces
I passed out my 27 four-leaf clovers to family members

fighting back a creeping conviction that this was the last magic I would ever get

that I may never find another four-leaf clover again

and, well

I didn& #39;t.
until yesterday

when I brushed through the clovers out of nostalgia

and found that dormant, childlike deal-making impulse

"if I find one, mom will be fine, it will all be fine."

silly, right?

I spent an hour and a half

and found one right as I was standing up to leave
the reasonable part of my brain is chanting at me now

about statistics, about how if you look through a few thousand clovers you& #39;re bound to find one

but it& #39;s being very quiet and I& #39;m not taking it too seriously, right now
it will comfort me later, if...well

best leave that train of thought alone

best not to upset the magic
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