I'm constantly extremely depressed and at a loss of what to do about it. Its far from new to me, it's come in waves and background noise since I was a young child.

I've been on countless combinations of meds throughout my life and can't say that any helped.

I can't even tell if the primary cause is chemical or environmental but my life has been such an broken string of 'bad' that's easy for me to usually assume the latter. Then again every child from a broken home with unresolved and examined gender issues going to be depressed.

I've been told ever since I first became aware of this pain that's all chemical, all in my head, that there is nothing wrong in my life to justify feeling that way. My mind tells me the depression comes from an inability to take control of my life and build the one I want.

Transition was the first step to taking control and I've felt a lot of joy in living my truth but as someone who'll probably always be dependent on others to an extent, the fear of a situation where I loose access to medical care or legal recognition is almost cancels it out.

The fear that I'll be left behind, won't get to experience all of the things I broke away from home to do...for me that's deeply held fear right alongside abandonment, destitution, and forced detransiton.

Not really a point to this thread except to explain why I feel so awful.