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Just been having a casual morning cry over this surprise relief funding. Being 1 of 4 people in a cohort of 14 to not receive the NRT fellowship ($35k plus paid tuition) has really enhanced my impostor syndrome the last couple years.
The program is NOT transparent about how fellowships are awarded. I have never known if it was random or if I simply was not up to scratch against classmates who received the award. On Day One, classmates nodded in agreement that they decided to join the program bc of the funding
I didn't find out who else was in this same shitty boat with me until I had already been in the program for 6 months, and prior to that, classmates were even secretive about whether they received funding. Honestly I'd have wanted to celebrate such an opportunity with them
Some classmates didn't even know that other people DID NOT get funded! $35k is A LOT of money. Perhaps they thought it would be "just enough to get by," but on top of being a full-time student, I work two jobs. When my friends want to have a fun night out, I am too tired.
Last semester, I was a full-time student, had two jobs, and also had an internship. I had to drive back and forth across the GG bridge every single day, stressed out of my mind about being able to find parking before my shifts AND when I got home.
I have been *incredibly* fortunate that I was awarded outside scholarships to get me through the past two years. My lab offers no funding opportunities or assistantships. Even then, the scholarships have covered only my tuition and I've pretty much drained my savings.
I'm employed by the partner of the person who sent me this letter and she prepped me on our last day of work together, saying "if you get some good news in the next couple of days, know that you deserve it and you are amazing."
I know that there are other people in worse situations than me. I'm thankful to have a place to live and food to eat. I'm thankful this stipend will allow me to push forward in a time of uncertainty.
I'm thankful for a progressive team of mentors leading this program. They have really stepped up to acknowledge our hardships and support us however they can during the pandemic. The program has flaws, but they're receptive to feedback and I sincerely appreciate it.
And I'm thankful for my boss because she has walked nearly every step that I have (UCSC undergrad and SFSU graduate, unfunded and treated poorly as an educator). She is NOT a member of the faculty and she works SO HARD for her students.
I don't think I would have survived this past year without her guidance and encouragement. I don't even know where I wanted this thread to go, but I feel so validated by her, and that's been one of the best things I have gained in this program.
I guess I just needed to vent about what's been going on with me. I constantly feel ungrateful and undeserving applying for scholarships because my entrance into this program and recognizing the disparity in funding really fucked with me.
There are a million other things I could rant about in terms of how the fellowship is handled, but I'll save that for another time and just be thankful for what I have been given. Ty for reading this mess.
