8.) When I finally thought about whether I actually liked men by comparing my interest in men, which was negligible if it even existed, to my extreme interest in women, I realized they weren't comparable and I was lesbian, so I considered becoming a nun lmao

I didn't come out to anyone due to my denial for a year, but eventually I had educated myself enough and come to terms with my gayness and came out to some select gay people and my siblings as lesbian. One of my friends told me to make a tumblr account which I did LOL

9.) Tumblr was useful in how I learned about 2000s sapphic culture (hello, L Word and Teagan and Sara) and about sapphic sex lol. Unfortunately via tumblr I also took a step backwards: I started to call myself Panromatic Homosexual because "ah, of course I would date a guy!-

I'm not shallow. I just don't feel physically attracted to them. But romance? Sure! I can date. Yep. Just some chaste dating."

... Later it occurred to me that dating someone I had no attraction to, when there were people I *was* attracted to, wouldn't be fair to either of us.

(The SAM is useful to others but for me learning about it served as a way for compulsive heterosexuality and heteronormativity to sneak back into my head.)

10.) These disturbing intrusive thoughts starting around 16 years old. Major content warning for mentions of r*pe, and violence. I feel super uncomfortable remembering this and I don't even really want to attach the post here but it's relevant, so https://twitter.com/meglegbird/status/1029646127824392192

11.) At 17 yrs old I was back to IDing just as a lesbian, but as more girls I knew had boyfriends in serious relationships, I started wondering if I should at least TRY being with a guy. It didn't help that I was devastatingly lonely from not having dating options in my town.

I even talked to other people - including straight people - about wondering if I should try being with a guy, which I cringe thinking of now. Early in college I still ID'd as lesbian, but I'd let random guys kiss me on dark dance floors at parties.

Really I kissed those guys because I was drunk & wanted attention, which is what I'd tell friends after. I cringe thinking about it now, but that's what loneliness can do to a bitch.

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It's weird that I had one of those better-case-scenarios: realized I was gay early on, didn't have as-intense-as-most-other-places pressure to be with a man, and yet I still struggled with comp het, heteronormativity, and internalized homophobia like this. It's so pervasive

I'm lucky that my experiences with that bullshit end there, because I started dating my soulmate at 18 yrs old and now six years later we're married lol

I think that this kind of thing is worth talking about b/c I know there are a lot of sapphics who wonder if past relationships with guys/feeling positively towards being wanted by men/having 'liked' (legitimately or not) guys in the past/etc , mean that they can't ID as lesbian.

But that's not the case! And thats why I like the document linked in my first tweet. "Lesbian is a now identity" indeed, and anyone can try it on to see if it fits. The most important thing to remember is that if you don't want to be with a man, you do not have to.

thanks for coming to my MEGTalk sorry for the thread being rly long and for oversharing lol