a thred of experiences with compulsive heterosexuality, heteronormativity, and internalized homophobia I experienced growing up as a lesbian, which I thought of while rereading this document: https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf

Obvs not all these experiences are lesbian-exclusive this is just how growing up was like for me

Also I'm extremely lucky that I was able to discover and come to terms with my lesbianism - for the most part - as a teenager. Many lesbians do not get to live their truths until their twenties or older.

1.) As young as kindergarten (5 yrs old), I felt very confused by other girls talking about crushes - on boys, obviously, there was no other option - and felt frustrated that other girls kept assuming that I had crushes on the boys I was friends with.

2.) By middle school (10-13 yrs old) I learned that if I didn't want to be accused of lying, I would have to tell my friends that I did have crushes on boys. I chose these 'crushes' based on a very inorganic, methodical assessment of which boy seemed good-looking and nice.

It was like performing a calculation. I never pursued these 'crushes', and when I considered doing it I would feel stressed out. I told friends I was shy. I thought I was a late bloomer and would start liking boys when I was older, so I didn't worry too much about it.

(At one point in sixth grade, at a sleepover one of my friends described the feeling of her physical attraction to boys and I just straight up didn't believe her LOL "you know those times where like every guy seems cute and you would kiss any of them" absolutely not caroline)

3.) At this time in my life I would also try to make up in my head a boy that I could like, and imagine dating and marrying him. The boy I imagined was vague and featureless, because any time I tried to make the fantasy more detailed I wouldn't like it anymore.

4.) At the same time, I was dazzled by one of my older brother's friends. Whenever she was around I wanted to be there too, I thought she was so pretty & funny, and if I ever made her laugh I felt on top of the world. This was obviously a puppy crush, but I didn't know.

I didn't think about it that hard either, it didn't seem abnormal to me. "I just think she's cool!" I didn't even know gayness existed at this point in my life.

5.) By the time I was 14 yrs old and in high school, I had gone through puberty and was feeling pretty stressed about how abnormal I was, having no interest in romance or boys. I became very devoted to lying to myself about liking another one of my older brother's friends (a boy)

It was a pretty successful lie to others - my friends, my brother, even the guy - but it was an effort on my part to message him outside of school (since I didn't actually want to get to know him better) and any flirty comments I made felt... weird.

But I convinced myself it was real. I thought the discomfort I felt was butterflies because I liked him. I remembered other friends describing how being around boys they liked made them embarrassed and shy, so I figured that's what was happening.

6.) When I was 15 yrs old and in my second year of high school this happened, which wasn't disregardable like my puppy crush was because it had the physical aspect that was undeniable. https://twitter.com/meglegbird/status/1141470774517125121

I concluded that liking a girl meant that I was bisexual. I felt that obviously I liked men - despite no evidence for it - because how could I not? I decided to ignore my same gender attraction and only pursue men, who I definitely liked.

My assumption that I liked men despite no evidence for it (which obviously also existed before I realized I liked girls) was rooted in heteronormativity and compulsive heterosexuality - I was a girl, so I had to like boys. The only romance I had ever seen was woman and man.

It didn't help that I was straight-up homophobic due to a lack of exposure to gay affection, and homophobic conditioning by my environment. At this point if I saw a photo of two girls kissing I felt revulsion. So I really didn't want to like girls. I felt disgusting.

7.) Another thing that happened at this time was a couple boys told me that they liked me, and I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted - but I knew I didn't like them back, somehow I didn't fall into "do I like him or do I like that he likes me" that a lot of lesbians deal with.

However I did think that the fact I enjoyed feeling wanted by boys actually meant that I liked boys, even if not those guys specifically. Really those feelings were caused by misogynistic conditioning, which linked my feelings of self worth to how desirable I was to men.

8.) When I finally thought about whether I actually liked men by comparing my interest in men, which was negligible if it even existed, to my extreme interest in women, I realized they weren't comparable and I was lesbian, so I considered becoming a nun lmao

I didn't come out to anyone due to my denial for a year, but eventually I had educated myself enough and come to terms with my gayness and came out to some select gay people and my siblings as lesbian. One of my friends told me to make a tumblr account which I did LOL

9.) Tumblr was useful in how I learned about 2000s sapphic culture (hello, L Word and Teagan and Sara) and about sapphic sex lol. Unfortunately via tumblr I also took a step backwards: I started to call myself Panromatic Homosexual because "ah, of course I would date a guy!-

I'm not shallow. I just don't feel physically attracted to them. But romance? Sure! I can date. Yep. Just some chaste dating."

... Later it occurred to me that dating someone I had no attraction to, when there were people I *was* attracted to, wouldn't be fair to either of us.

(The SAM is useful to others but for me learning about it served as a way for compulsive heterosexuality and heteronormativity to sneak back into my head.)

10.) These disturbing intrusive thoughts starting around 16 years old. Major content warning for mentions of r*pe, and violence. I feel super uncomfortable remembering this and I don't even really want to attach the post here but it's relevant, so https://twitter.com/meglegbird/status/1029646127824392192

11.) At 17 yrs old I was back to IDing just as a lesbian, but as more girls I knew had boyfriends in serious relationships, I started wondering if I should at least TRY being with a guy. It didn't help that I was devastatingly lonely from not having dating options in my town.

I even talked to other people - including straight people - about wondering if I should try being with a guy, which I cringe thinking of now. Early in college I still ID'd as lesbian, but I'd let random guys kiss me on dark dance floors at parties.

Really I kissed those guys because I was drunk & wanted attention, which is what I'd tell friends after. I cringe thinking about it now, but that's what loneliness can do to a bitch.

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It's weird that I had one of those better-case-scenarios: realized I was gay early on, didn't have as-intense-as-most-other-places pressure to be with a man, and yet I still struggled with comp het, heteronormativity, and internalized homophobia like this. It's so pervasive

I'm lucky that my experiences with that bullshit end there, because I started dating my soulmate at 18 yrs old and now six years later we're married lol

I think that this kind of thing is worth talking about b/c I know there are a lot of sapphics who wonder if past relationships with guys/feeling positively towards being wanted by men/having 'liked' (legitimately or not) guys in the past/etc , mean that they can't ID as lesbian.

But that's not the case! And thats why I like the document linked in my first tweet. "Lesbian is a now identity" indeed, and anyone can try it on to see if it fits. The most important thing to remember is that if you don't want to be with a man, you do not have to.

thanks for coming to my MEGTalk sorry for the thread being rly long and for oversharing lol