TW / thread on bad mental health, mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm

this photo was me in 2015, 4 weeks after something traumatising that shaped my mental health for the next few years happened.

i absolutely HATE thinking back to these days, bc my heart drops and i feel a sense of dread at the bottom of my stomach. that photo gives me shivers enough because even just looking at myself now, i see a completely different person back then.

my eyes are dull, and compared to how i smile now, that is not even a smile. things weren’t okay, and i didn’t know how to speak out about it. that was the hardest part, telling anybody. i knew telling my mum that her eldest daughter wanted to d*e would break her heart.

after talking to my best friend for months about how i felt, i finally managed to build up the courage to tell my mum and as i knew it would, it hurt her. i got dismissal comments to start with but i managed to get through to her and she booked me an appointment

without going into too much detail about possibly the worst point of my life so far, i got referred to mental health services, diagnosed with moderate generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) and moderate panic disorder and i was a patient there for around a year

before i got discharged after being given a few coping techniques. anxiety is actually a natural response, as many people know. GAD which i have is intense, excessive and constant worries about everyday situations. my panic disorder links in with this too

so what effect does GAD have on me? i’ll panic badly about everyday situations that most people don’t think twice about. i will often worry about a lot of different things at the same time. i really don’t remember the last time i didn’t have multiple worries

for example, whilst writing this, i’ve got a small pain in my chest and i’m really hot. my instant thoughts is that i’m really ill. i’m not. my chest hurts because i’m leaning forward whilst writing this and we’re in a heatwave. but it’s hard to logically reason when you have GAD

GAD affects my daily life because of the constant panicking about every topic under the sun. i’ve had big issues with my body image (especially recently), i’ve had a situation where i’ve had to calculate my money for the next year just to settle my repetitive thoughts.

even when i’m not thinking about the worry, even if it’s not on my mind, the constant feeling that something is wrong at the bottom of my stomach or in my heart is ALWAYS there. it’s exhausting when your body is constantly on high alert

so what do i do to help this hidden illness?
breathing techniques are a huge help for me when i’m panicking and getting breathless. breathing in for 7 seconds and letting it out for 11 seconds. this is the 7-11 breathing technique and i don’t know why but this one has always

been the best for me. i’ve used it for the past 4 years and i think i always will. there are so many out there but that’s my personal favourite! another technique is “taking your thoughts to court”. this involves dissecting the worry and finding out what is actually fact,

and what is just an interpretation or guess. this really helps because half of the time, GAD sufferers worry about things that are purely based off of assumptions and own interpretations and no real fact/evidence behind the worries.

i also have a few websites that help me to calm down:
https://codepen.io/neave/full/WNvGNez - this website lets you draw lines that change colour and fade. this is helpful to me because every line you make disappears - i find myself writing my worry and every letter disappears straight away,

which i like to think shows how temporary the worries actually are.
another website is https://www.pixelthoughts.co/#  - this site is so good!! you put your worry in the star, and the star with your worry in gradually gets smaller until it disappears amongst the rest of the stars,

all whilst breathing techniques and words that put your thought into a real perspective appear along the top. this can really help with worries that you’ve “taken to court” and realised are all based on made up interpretations but are struggling to let go of.

generalised anxiety disorder isn’t curable, and i may struggle with the irrational thoughts for the rest of my life, but there are ways to manage it. i’ve gotten a lot better from where i was 5 years ago, for definite. it may not seem like it but things really do get better.

this is me now. unlike the photo at the start, my heart feels like it lights up at these photos because i KNOW that this is what true happiness looks like for me. i’m at uni, doing a course i love with people i love and will be friends with for life.

i’m 4 years clean too, and i will never ever go back to that point in my life, no matter what happens, i know i will never get back to there.
things do get better.

if you take anything away from this thread where i’ve probably rambled, it’s that. things do get better. there are ways of managing your mental health. talk to someone if you’re struggling. PLEASE talk to someone. you can always talk to me, even if i don’t know you, i will always

be there to listen. stay kind to yourselves, especially during these times we find ourselves in - everyone’s in the same boat and we gotta stay afloat my dms are open if anyone needs someone to listen

DISCLAIMER: this content is not intended to substitute professional medical advice. it is for information only, please don’t use this information to self-diagnose. if you suspect you may have either of the illnesses mentioned, get in touch with a medical professional.

it’s okay to stumble, but never let yourself fall

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek