So...here’s a story to brighten up your Friday. A THREAD.
This afternoon, one of my smoke alarms starting “chirping” (I now know that that is the official term given to an intermittent beep of a smoke alarm). I thought “ah, the battery must be flat, I can change that in a jiffy.”

Turned out that the smoke alarm was hard wired into the mains. “No problem”, I thought, I’m an intelligent chap, I’ll just isolate the smoke alarms at the mains, remove the unit cover, change the battery, put the cover back on, fire up the power to the house again and voila!!”

So...that’s what I did. I threw the power back on victoriously like I was switching one of those massive power levers you see in movies with electric fences, like Jurassic Park (classic). I strolled back upstairs feeling like the king of the world, until...*BEEP*.

The beeping carried on. How was this possible? Could the new battery have been a dud!? Surely not. But why won’t the beeping stop *BEEP*!! OMG, I’ve got to do something about this *BEEP*, I’ve got work to do, it’s full on at the *BEEP* moment. *BEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEP*! ARRGGGHHH!!

“Right”, I thought, “the battery must have been a dud. I’ll go and get another one. So i walked to the shops to get a battery. Had to queue outside (social distancing), but eventually got in and purchased the battery of my dreams. When I got home, I steadied myself...”you’ve done

...this before, Alex...you can do it again”. Power off, cover off, hoovered the dust out of the unit just incase, battery out, new battery in, put the cover back on, YOU’VE GOT THIS, throw that power back on!! Kwaabooosssh, the house bursts back into life, IVE DONE I—-*BEEEEEEP*

“WHAT THE SWEET F**K!!!”

“HOW IS IT STILL BEEPING!?” By this point I’m sweating, my heart is beating out of my chest...my brain, numb, my eyes...staring. I pick up the phone to @PimlicoPlumbers, they can hear the distress in my voice...they know I’m at the end of my tether...

“We can have someone out to you within the hour Mr Baker”.

Elated. I return to my desk. Help is on the way. My heart starts to calm. *BEEP* ...the alarm beeps again. “Ha! Beep as much as you want pal” (I say to myself), “you’re going to be silent within the hour”.

Ding dong. The doorbell goes. I look outside, a van with the words:

“Pimlico Plumbers” emblazoned on the side is in the driveway...I know it’s a van, but to me it looks like a chariot, or a trusty steed, carrying a knight of electricity on its back.

The electrician stands at my door, but at a safe distance...I invite him in, he takes his...

..shoes off without me even mentioning it. “I like this dude” I think to myself.

“So, I hear you’ve got a problem with a *BEEP* OH...there it is” - we fall about laughing. What a moment, and in a hop skip and a jump he’s assessing the situation, like a circuit wizard.

After a short while...the beeping hasn’t stopped. He’s *BEEP* turned off the power, he’s taken out the battery, but the beeping hasn’t stopped. IT HASN’T STOPPED!! HOW CAN IT NOT HAVE *BEEP* STOPPED!?

For a moment I find solace in his look of confusion... “it’s not just me”...

I think to myself...”it’s not just me that’s confused by the never ending BEEPING OF THIS GOD DAMN SMOKE ALARM!!” Deep breathes Alex, it’s ok, deep breaths.

And then it happens...

“The power is off” he says.
“The battery is out” he says.
“There’s no way it can still be beeping”...he says....

*BEEP*

But there it is...so present with its clarity, so intrusively loud against our shared silence that it almost mocks us with its presence.

*BEEP*

It’s like the smoke alarm is mouthing the words “f**k. YOU.” Slowly and steadily at us both.

But the electric wizard isn’t perturbed...he’s not stressed and anxious like I am. He’s calm and collected as he says:

“I noticed youve got a carbon monoxide detector on the shelf up there...in the same room as the smoke alarm...you don’t suppose it’s that that’s beeping, instead of the smoke alarm do you.”

“AHAHAHAHA no way!”
I say...”there’s no way. It can’t be”.

But in my heart. In my soul, I know...

We socially-distance walk upstairs, he picks up the OTHER alarm, the previously ignored alarm...and we wait...in the silence, staring at it, waiting for the beep.

...........

...........

*BEEP*

The sound eminates from his hand.

...And my world collapses.

He removes the batteries. And the beep is removed, from my life, forever.

He reinstates the perfectly fine smoke alarm and begins to write his report. Not at any point does he laugh, or comment...

...on the fact that I’ve lost my marbles over the wrong alarm. He smiles politely and warmly and tries to make me feel better by saying: “this alarm is looking rather old though, so it’s good to have it properly checked out”.

But I know he’s only trying to make me feel better.

We say our goodbyes.

He drives his van out of the drive. Once he’s beyond the gate, he stops, gets out and closes the gate behind him. Of course he does...because he’s the nicest human being on earth....

...and I’m a fucking idiot.