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While chatting with a friend, I had an epiphany.
I’ve had a similar epiphany before, but I never thought to apply it to more than one relationship in my life. That relationship will be what I use as my example tonight.
Let me tell you about my older sister, Lady Amalthea.
I’ve had a similar epiphany before, but I never thought to apply it to more than one relationship in my life. That relationship will be what I use as my example tonight.
Let me tell you about my older sister, Lady Amalthea.
I always thought the term ‘people pleasing’ applied only to acquaintances and strangers. Until today, I didn’t think the people you are pleasing could be your family, your friends, and others who you are close to.
But… fuck, that is me.
But… fuck, that is me.
I go to GREAT lengths to try to make people close to me happy.
This, more likely than not, is part of my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I will do almost anything to avoid being rejected. Looking back, I have been trying to people please my family members since I can remember.
This, more likely than not, is part of my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I will do almost anything to avoid being rejected. Looking back, I have been trying to people please my family members since I can remember.
I have typical middle child syndrome; my sisters received the majority of the positive attention (especially from my mom) while I received the majority of the negative attention.
So I try to give and give and give in an effort to get some positive attention.
So I try to give and give and give in an effort to get some positive attention.
Newsflash: I still don’t feel accepted by my family as a unit. They are a very good family of four, with an annoying black sheep that tags along for some reason.
I have handled holidays (Mother’s Day was my big one), random dinners, I’ve given so many presents.
I have handled holidays (Mother’s Day was my big one), random dinners, I’ve given so many presents.
I still feel like I am not even an afterthought to my family.
Let's get to the specifics, my relationship with my sister.
Let's get to the specifics, my relationship with my sister.
After I moved back to CT from PA, both Amalthea and I were living with our parents. We became better friends than I ever thought we could be. We went to yoga together, we went to parties together. We went to Burning Man together for the first time.
And that was honestly when the trouble started.
Before that summer, I would visit Ama at work, keeping her company and bringing her food or coffee. She would bring home snacks and food for me. We both dumped a lot of money into Burning Man supplies.
Before that summer, I would visit Ama at work, keeping her company and bringing her food or coffee. She would bring home snacks and food for me. We both dumped a lot of money into Burning Man supplies.
I bought her a fairly expensive faux fur unicorn outfit that she has gotten much use out of.
No, she didn’t buy anything similar for me.
She was working two jobs at the time, so packing our supplies was left to me. We took my car, which I packed up.
No, she didn’t buy anything similar for me.
She was working two jobs at the time, so packing our supplies was left to me. We took my car, which I packed up.
She helped a bit, but I did the bulk of the work.
We split driving duties, and once we got to PA we alternated driving through entire states.
It is 8 hours through Nebraska, east to west, my good people! 8 glorious hours of napping for me! 8 boring, sob-inducing hours for Ama!
We split driving duties, and once we got to PA we alternated driving through entire states.
It is 8 hours through Nebraska, east to west, my good people! 8 glorious hours of napping for me! 8 boring, sob-inducing hours for Ama!
Our trip to the Playa was fine.
Until about an hour or two after we arrived.
Black Rock City is a temporary city. It is a mostly tent city. We needed to set up the tent that we had practiced setting up at home to streamline the process.
Until about an hour or two after we arrived.
Black Rock City is a temporary city. It is a mostly tent city. We needed to set up the tent that we had practiced setting up at home to streamline the process.
Guess who set up our tent? Me and my campmates. Guess who decided that was a good time to eat and complain and boss everyone around? Ama.
I was NOT ok with this. And I was very vocal about being not ok with it.
I was NOT ok with this. And I was very vocal about being not ok with it.
So that night, after ingesting some fun things, we went to explore Temple. Which was cool; I got to put the remainder of my cat’s ashes right at the center so he could burn a second time.
We decided to head back to camp early because we were tired and wanted to rest after the 24+ hour car ride.
Folks, let me tell you, this whiny bitch has NO sense of direction.
I had made sure to note what art was on the street we came from. So we walked back to that radial.
Folks, let me tell you, this whiny bitch has NO sense of direction.
I had made sure to note what art was on the street we came from. So we walked back to that radial.
We turned right on E like we were supposed to.
Ama starts crying after we pass through the second radial. I’m telling her, it is fine, this is our corner, we are home, let’s just keep walking, you’ll see!
She totally breaks down.
Ama starts crying after we pass through the second radial. I’m telling her, it is fine, this is our corner, we are home, let’s just keep walking, you’ll see!
She totally breaks down.
She walks into the nearest camp and heavily sits down, sobbing. One of the people from the camp tells us they were just about to turn in, but what’s up?
I tell them our story and say we are looking for BDC.
“Oh. It is just down the street, on the left. It’s right there.”
I tell them our story and say we are looking for BDC.
“Oh. It is just down the street, on the left. It’s right there.”
They point to a camp maybe 100ft away.
Alright, so we go back to our tent, which was literally right fucking there. But since she has no sense of direction, mine cannot be trusted?
Whatever.
Alright, so we go back to our tent, which was literally right fucking there. But since she has no sense of direction, mine cannot be trusted?
Whatever.
Let’s skip ahead to the journey home. We stopped in Salt Lake City, and let me tell you, if you ever get the chance, DO NOT STOP IN SLC.
What a clusterfuck that town is.
We stopped at a grocery store because I needed pickles.
What a clusterfuck that town is.
We stopped at a grocery store because I needed pickles.
This was the first time I noticed the drugs had messed with my sister’s brain. She was acting like such an airhead.
When we got home, it was dark out. It was going to rain the next morning, and I wanted to get everything unpacked before the rain.
When we got home, it was dark out. It was going to rain the next morning, and I wanted to get everything unpacked before the rain.
Guess who unpacked the car? Me. I complained. Ama wound up physically hitting me because I complained about how lazy she is. She caused my first incidence of vocal cord dysfunction.
I was DONE with her after that. Our relationship has never been the same.
I was DONE with her after that. Our relationship has never been the same.
I went to Burning Man with her one more time in 2014. We again took my vehicle. We made it to Wendover before I decided she was out. This dumb bitch couldn’t even gas up the car as I washed the windows. We dropped her off at the SLC airport and my mom and I finished the drive.
How much of my time, patience, money, and sanity did I give to this ungrateful cunt of a sister I have? How much of those things have I also given my mother, who is sometimes grateful but always finds someone else to put before me? It isn’t healthy, that is for sure.
I know why I over-give. I want to feel the love, acceptance, and appreciation I have never felt from my mother and older sister. But those aren’t the only people I over-give to. It is literally everyone I love and feel close to.
It is a habit I have in relationships, and now that I have noticed it I need to pay more attention to it.
How many of you over-give in your relationships? How does it make you feel? I know with most of my relationships, it does the opposite of what I want it to do.
How many of you over-give in your relationships? How does it make you feel? I know with most of my relationships, it does the opposite of what I want it to do.
I feel unloved, unappreciated, and like the person I am giving to will never be grateful that I am in their lives.
As you might have guessed, this isn't unusual. There is supposed to be balance between giving and receiving, and it is thrown way off when you over-give.
Here is a short article that tells another story of over-giving and burnout.
There are also some good tips at the end, some of which I will go over. http://slowandhappy.com/when-you-give-too-much-of-yourself/
There are also some good tips at the end, some of which I will go over. http://slowandhappy.com/when-you-give-too-much-of-yourself/
Before I start handing out tips, if you still can't tell if you are an over-giver here is a nice mini questionnaire.
Shall we also go over some warning signs?
The following screenshots were pulled because they relate to my story, see if you can spot them.
Now, how about some tips?
This one, keeping a record, is probably my favorite.
This one, keeping a record, is probably my favorite.
Your record can be used to help recognize patterns and change your behaviors. It can also be used to recognize what types of boundaries you need to set. The boundaries you set for yourself will likely be the most helpful.
And that tip about being uncomfortable? It is very good advice! If you are going to change your habits and behaviors, it is going to feel uncomfortable at first. Don't give up!
One last screenshot, as a hint to what topic will be covered next...
