Thread by @thisguytoph, This time last year I made a big, and difficult decision. I [...]

This time last year I made a big, and difficult decision. I decided to press pause on coaching club soccer.

I was coaching at a great club, well support by club directors, and surrounded by talented and driven players.

But I wasn’t happy, and it was difficult to explain.

For a decade a hustled like crazy, pouring so much of myself into coaching, often to sacrificing time with my family to put in the extra effort and preparation.

I’m certainly not the only coach to make these sacrifices and would never claim that my situation was the worst.

But it took a toll. And around November of 2018 I was carrying around what I can only describe as a profound sadness.

It took me awhile to acknowledge what it was: depression.

I don’t think there was any one cause, but rather a culmination of many things.

I put on a brave face and tried to power through. Which was okay for a while. But my tank was empty and I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.

For the first time in 10 years it was difficult to put on the gear each evening and drag myself to the field.

I’m an obliger, sometimes to a fault, and didn’t want to let anyone down. I had only been at the club for a year and felt like I owed them at least a two-year cycle. After opening up to my wife I decided that I would do one more year and then take a break.

Then in quick succession a few things things that sped up that timeline. @RobinBostwick and @SeanJanson and the rest of @WATimbersFC were supportive and understanding. I really appreciate them, and look forward to coaching with them all again in the future.

Soccer is still part of my life, obviously. Last fall I helped coach the local high school team as an assistant. It was a lighter work kid and more manageable hours. I hope to continue with that for the foreseeable future.

But some of you probably noticed that I stopped podcasting and blogging. I even let my domain expire (not totally intentional, but it happened) and can not justify the yearly expense to upkeep. Because I don’t have much insightful to say about the game right now.

If I had been more brave last year, I should’ve blogged and podcasted about what I was going through. Surely I’m not the only coach to feel the way I did. But talking about it felt like admitting a weakness that we coaches try to keep hidden.

So what have I been doing? I’ve been a better teacher (my day job). I’ve been a more present father and husband. I get to eat dinner with my family eand read my daughter a story every night. I can’t explain how much peace and happiness I feel getting to do those things.

Comparing the way I felt this time last year, to now, there is no doubt I made the right decision—for myself and for my family.

My club coaching career is not over. Someday my kids will be older and may want to play. They might pull me back into it.

Or the itch might come back.

But this pause has allowed me to pursue and express other parts of my personality and interests.

So for those of you that followed me strictly for my soccer content, I’m sorry, you won’t see as much of that for a while. You may have already noticed.

This thread isn’t to garner attention, or sympathy, but simply to get this off my chest.

If you are a coach struggling with something similar, reach out. I’d be happy to chat.

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