I picked up NBA 2k20 for super cheap, the full extent of my knowledge of basketball beginning and ending with Space Jam.

Career mode: they are super proud of the story they’ve written and REALLY expect you to recognise famous Basketers (official name) on sight

And by this, I mean I’ve played maybe five minutes of the Beebies (official name) and spent the rest of the time watching a nice movie.

I’m a small forward called Ethan Lawrence who everyone calls Che for some reason.

I’m playing at the Portsmouth invitationals now in hope of getting drafted to a Good Team.

Up Pompei!

My character, Ethan “Che” Lawrence, just said the word “homie”.

I have been encouraged to pick three teams to go and work out for. I have selected the one I’ve heard of and the two with the silliest names.

Despite my EXEMPLARY performance for the Denver Nuggets, the actor Thomas Middleditch (who is in this game) does not fancy my chances.

I’ll show that mean old Thomas Middleditch.

In a shocking (and personally mortifying) turn of events, I was passed over by the Nuggets.

Ethan “Che” Lawrence is a Chicago Bull now. I’m livid.

Everyone is being very unsupportive and rude to me at my new home with the Chicago Bulls. Not least my head coach, who is the actor Idris Elba.

I did not expect to receive maltreatment from anyone, least of all the actor Idris Elba

The actor Idris Elba let me play in a game against the New York Knicks. I put in a sturdy but unremarkable performance.

I just want to make the actor Idris Elba proud of me.

Myself and the actor Idris Elba just had a heart to heart. He’s starting me tonight and wants me to get the dub.

I said, out loud, “I can’t promise anything Daddy”. As in I did, not Ethan “Che” Lawrence. He said “we good” and gave the actor Idris Elba a fist bump.

I didn’t realise that the long, lovingly rendered cut scenes were actually a preamble to a more standard Career Mode where you just play through a season. But that’s all done, the actor Idris Elba is gone and it’s time to make my mark.

I was benched for the whole first game.

Right, we’re off! First up is a training session before we go up against some Grizzly Bears! Put me on coach! I’m ready!

Here we go!

I got put in about halfway through the final quarter and I won’t lie, it was a public shaming of me. I see why no one on the team likes me

Up against the Raptors now. I’m not holding out much hope for myself or the team. Everyone was REALLY passive aggressive at me

Got put in during the first quarter this time and I’m putting up numbers. I will make coach proud

Another loss but a personally better performance from Ethan “Che” Lawrence. A literal C+ performance in fact which is rude but fair.

New York Knicks time. Improving day by day but still very very bad