Grab your best beverage and a box of tissues, a notepad, whatever feels like comfort.
I'm going to talk about attraction, and about trauma, mostly from my own perspective and based on some of the very good reading I've done to work on my own trauma.
1/

I will include some useful resources at the end of this thread!
Ground rules:
- I'm not asking for advice.
- This thread is not the place for your explicit details.
- Untag me if we don't know each other and you're commenting on a retweet PLEASE.
- This thread is personal
2/

A quick background on this. CW: child abuse, partner abuse, stalking

I was raised in a homeschooling cult, isolated, physically abused, forced to raise my siblings, treated like an adult from a very young age.
These are groomings. I came into adulthood groomed.
3/

I also came into adulthood barely aware of my queerness, and definitely not aware of my full identity.
And as a result, I was walking around with a lot of unidentified trauma.
I knew things happened to me.
I couldn't express why.
Or figure out how to respond to them.
4/

This thread is not a musing about a victim becoming a victim over and over, though that is the truth in mine and many other stories.

This thread is about the after.
After many emotionally manipulative and physically abusive relationships.
5/

I am never not spooky.
Because I grew up haunted.
That's what childhood trauma looks like, at least for me. Growing up haunted.

6/

The truth, for many people, on a number of spectrums of trauma and queerness and neurodivergence, is that it feels impossible to be understood and to be accepted by someone who is not also somewhere adjacent there.

7/

It's part of intersectional theory that one marginalization does not grant you access to understanding of other marginalizations.
In some ways we know that, maybe inherently.
In others, we are desperate for that understanding. For being seen and known and loved.

8/

And isn't that how we wind up in conflicting relationships, be they friendships or partnerships or even work relationships, where we think we fit together but are actually experiencing re-traumatization.
Through unrecognized trauma.
Through clashing responses to trauma.

9/

Attachment theory talks about this, about conflicting attachment styles causing relationship upheaval because one person runs, another person clings.
But it's more than that, bigger than that.

10/

It's more than that because attachment theory doesn't talk about how difficult it can be to set boundaries when you've been with someone with rejection sensitive dysphoria for a few months and didn't know you needed them not to treat you a certain way until they did it.

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It's more than that because attachment theory doesn't address root abandonment fear caused by childhood trauma.

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Lots of adults don't even know about their neurodivergence, or have been told that neurodivergence is justification for small, controlling behaviors, that are manipulative and abusive.

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Now, I am not here to solve every kind of trauma. I can't. I can't even speak to all kinds. Mine are pretty specific, though they cast a wide net.
But I am here to talk about something important to me... attraction within trauma.
Connection from within the storm.

14/

Not everyone can get or afford therapy. Some people benefit greatly from it. By and large, therapists in the US are still queerphobic, or transphobic, probably racist, probably classist.
So I am not going to tell you to go to therapy.
But I am going to make reading recs.

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For your own sake, it is really helpful to know what your needs are, and what your triggers are. It's helpful to know so that you can have a "this is what I want" and "this is what I don't want" reference, at least for yourself.

16/

It's easy to fall into habits that result in conflict in relationships if you just "let" relationships happen organically and don't specifically seek out people who will treat you in the way you want to be treated.

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And that's hard.
And it's pretty likely that if you are in a currently high conflict or dissatisfied relationship, if someone is poking all your trauma buttons...
it's not going away.
I've written before that people do not like to suddenly be given boundaries.

18/

Important:
For trauma-relationship loves to love each other, you can't bring your trauma as a problem for the other person to solve.
Or a blame for the other person to carry.
Safe, whole relationships with people can heal a lot of trauma-harm
But they must be safe enough.

19/

I have some suggested boundaries around this.
These are boundaries for me, and maybe they will help you or not:

20/

First, boundaries are asks that someone not act on YOU a certain way, not rules about their person or behavior.
You can't tell someone that they can't chew with their mouth open.
You can tell them they can't bite you.
You can't tell them they can't bite someone else.
21/

In any relationship, it's important to check in before you unload on someone.
Make sure they have space, and be specific.
"Can I talk about finance struggles right now?"
"Can I tell you about my health concerns?"

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I have a specific hard boundary around having difficult conversations after about 9pm. It keeps me from sleeping and stresses me out.

23/

One of the keys to successful inter-trauma relationships is to talk about needs and boundaries early and often.
I'm sorry it's exhausting.
But so is the fear. The hurt. The cycle.
You can do this.
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Now let me tell you about the beauty of it.
The gorgeous, delicious, delightful magic in saying the words "I've got you" and meaning it, and them knowing that it means you know who they are. You will hold them. You promise. The promise is True.
25/

It hurts to know other people experienced these things.
It hurts to know there is a common cycle of violence and you have lived it and they have lived it.
It hurts to fear your reflection.
But they know. And you know. And in the night you cling to each other like anchors.
26/

And maybe it's a lot of work to love someone. Maybe it's a lot of work to love you. Loving is the only kind of work that isn't a job if you really love it.
But certainly know that you deserve love, they deserve love.

Trauma does not rob us of deserving.
We are not damaged.
27/

Maybe that's coffee pressed into hands too distracted, too dissociated, to know they need it or what they need.
Maybe that's the person with the nightmares is the small spoon tonight.
Maybe that's what love is. Popcorn and video games to outrun the memories.
28/

Attraction, though, Ky. You promised to talk about attraction.

For some people, attraction is all aesthetic.
But for me, and probably for many others...attraction is a hope.
It's a hand reaching to look for a safe handhold in a cliff edge.
29/

Will it crumble when you touch it? is the cliff face just a façade?

Or is it steady, is it firm?

Many of us won't reach out at all, because the falling hurts too much.

30/

People talk a lot about vulnerability. I've got a whole big relationship diagram in another thread, about how you need to negotiate what level of vulnerability you'll have within relationships.

31/

In my observations in life, people drawn to my trauma, with whom I do not first negotiate what level of vulnerability we will share, have an expectation of total vulnerability with me.
And that's dangerous.
Because my expectation is safety.

32/

It is possible to have a complete and full relationship with a person without them knowing everything about your history.
It is possible for someone to love you and not feel like you are "too much," even if they know everything about you.
It is OK to have those expectations.
33/

The most important thing, I think, is to know that having a relationship with anyone is a bit of a contract.
It works well if the words are spoken, if you make your needs and intentions clear.

34/

You cannot expect clairvoyance.
But you can expect the gentleness and respect you need.

35/

I mentioned the background I grew up in, so I will tell you:
I did not realize that the abusive relationships I had been in for many years WERE abusive (and not just uncomfortable) until I cut out my family and was still being constantly triggered.

36/

I didn't realize I was being controlled until I stopped shrinking myself to fit what was demanded of me.

37/

That means I went 13 years in one abusive relationship-marriage, and then spent 2 years with someone else whose trauma drastically conflicted with mine.

38/

The next time I ran into trauma conflicts, I was more prepared, and got out sooner.
And I am grateful for that.

39/

My key points may not be yours...
But one of my two primary responses to triggers is to take full conflict responsibility, apologize and shrink myself, try desperately to Never Do The Thing Again.
But when that (fawn/acquiesce) response is your stress trauma response, well.
40/

You will find that people expect that acquiescence.
So if you set a boundary, they may be angry that you aren't acquiescing.
That has always been my struggle, and the reason I say that it's unacceptable to me to be blamed for someone else's (predating me) trauma.
41/

But listen.
It gets better.
Actually.
And it gets worse.
Actually.
Because healing is not a straight line.
Time is not actually linear.
You can do this.
You deserve love.
42/

I have some resources for you.
A big one for me was Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. CW, it's very binary and very textbook and extremely helpful for all kinds of trauma and recovery!
43/

Next up actually is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, CW it addresses some thinks like child sexual assault, etc.

44/

Next, the Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk.
CW: Descriptions of physical violence that may be triggering.

45/

The essays that made me start down this journey of talking about this are in Love Without Emergency by Clementine Morrigan, CW: kinda femme focused and a bit troublesome in their anti-masc in places, but that won't bother everyone. Good resources in this.

46/

And finally, Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson is a good resource on attachment theory.

47/

This is a lot, isn't it?
A lot of times we are told our trauma is Too Much.
But it isn't. It isn't.
It isn't an excuse to traumatize other people. We need to set and respect good boundaries.
But we are love, have love, can love, do love.
You've got this. I believe in you.
~fin~