so incredibly tempted to post about race and class and politics. however I feel like I need to censor myself on this, even though it’s an alt. Should I make another alt?

I also wonder what it means to feel like I’m censoring myself here. whooo boy I can feel a session brewing. Isn’t it against the whole point of this project that I say whatever I wish to be and say?

wow. I definitely feel a wall, a self blockage in terms of wanting to say something. I feel like I’m not allowed to say these things.

(which is exciting because it means that I am full here, that I am being my inner self here.)

wow. maybe I can’t do it! maybe I can’t share it here yet. maybe I need to make another alt.
maybe I am angry, deeply angry at the white kids and teachers and adults and administrators and acquaintances at a party and friends parents and friends who have been racist towards me

where does this anger go? I am holding it, like it’s an arrow pointed at my chest. I am stopping it from getting any closer. withholding it. trying not to say it here.

but I think the real answer is that it needs to land, the arrow sinking into my chest, anger fully expressing, sitting in it. And the arrow passing through, flowing away, gone. Right now I am holding it and keeping it here.

How deep does this anger go? I can start to recall incidents, a scattered series of notable events actually, things that leave shitty tastes in the mouth. that’s what it’s like, a kind of putrid mouth stench when I suddenly taste someone’s racism

anger and disgust are mixed here, I feel.

(Okay, wow. I can tell this well is deep. It’s pretty deep. Like a jet black well or crude tar. Hmm. I want to be full of care while visiting this.)

Hmmm. Do I share? Do I go deep? To make an alt?

hmmm. I wanted to make a poll because I wanted approval or acknowledgment. (from whom? from white people?)

race raaaaace race RACE RAAAACE, what a fascinating topic to think and talk about, like an itch I deeply want to scratch, like quenching a deep thirst

racism used to be such a bigger part of my day to day experience as a kid. Now it’s just really muted. But then it was so vivid. You learn so much about how you can’t trust adults; or you can see how slippery and weird they can be

Part of racism that nobody (white) talks about is the sudden, sinking feeling of being deeply disappointed in someone. “Oh no, I thought they wouldn’t be the kind of person who would think something like that.” And then what do you do? Stay friends, cut ties?

‘just because my friend sees you as an “exceptional” Asian person that’s ‘not like the rest’? Just because a respected teacher might laugh at imagery that uses people who look like your parents or family as a punchline? are they shitty or am I intolerant?’

being friends with, learning from, interacting with white people has been always about steeling myself for disappointment. honestly. I have never said this before out loud.

or maybe once to someone who was white and I felt like they were going to crush themselves with self-guilt, and then I felt livid because they weren’t sturdy, couldn’t just accept and listen, and then I had to take care of their emotions for them and be all helpful

oh that’s another thing that I haven’t really heard talked about. that tired annoyed feeling when you bring it up and the person (who is white) gets all sad and then you have to fix their emotions for them. So much exhausting work.

Like they cry after punching me in the face (which is tough after years of exposure: “this punch? eh, I’ve had so much worse”) and then I have to go and dry their tears and help them feel better... microassuaging

but what I really want? (I say with .. glee? I feel manaical grins coming out.)
I want to be ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I want to be sooooooo angryyyyy
And I feel like my anger is righteous (*hmm, be careful about this part) and I know that in my anger it will release me from denial

so much denial of “eh he didn’t know any better” or “they’re white, so probably didn’t know or intend to offend”, so much catering to them

the impulse is quick.

because the alternative is:
“they are bad people.” Or “they are racists.”

that’s a trap, though

that’s not how racism works, and I also need to not get caught in that bad/good,

good people don’t exist because bad people don’t exist .. good is defined as a negation of bad, I’d just be replicating more of the same..

it’s like: they are fully deserving of my anger. The people who let me down didn’t do so because they said something shitty. I am angry instead at the hiding, the work, the cleaning up after your own fucking messes, the running away from conversations they do, you do, the pretend

talking about racism is a sure fire way to get the white people I know to fall silent. Or to talk endlessly. I am so angry at this. so content to leave a blank spot, like a whole zone of denial. they won’t go there! They won’t come here! Running away is their default, of escape

I talk to someone. They’ve always seemed nice. I’ve always felt good to have a conversation. but then they say something that drops my gut. The smile stays but the muscles behind my mouth shift. Now I am holding it us. I see, realize. There is a line between us and they made it

should I talk about it? or is it too much hassle to bring it up? I weigh. some days I pass it by. other times I bring it up. a flurry of calculations pass my head. Are they capable of handling it ok? Etc.

let’s say I bring it up. maybe they crumple in self guilt and then I have to pick them up like a wet napkin. geez. or maybe they handle it ok but their takeaway is, I can tell, “let’s not talk about race again around him, he’s sensitive”,

What’s the point of this? I am angry. I am angry because I am holding back from being honest to myself because I am well trained in cleaning up their emotional messes by myself

the thing is, race goes real deep. like real fucking deep. It gets dark. Honestly I don’t think white people can handle it. Who can go there, honestly? I think the white people I know would just crush under high pressure, the pressure of undoing their denial

(I want to punish?)

Jesus fucking Christ this fucking shit is so fucking deep. it goes back 400 years old. it’s so deep. so deeply fucked I cannot begin to imagine

imagine a country where one of the founding fathers made fake teeth from other human beings, that they forcibly claimed ownership of, because they saw them as subhuman

imagine a country and one of the founding fathers. Imagine that the FIL had a daughter. (His sister’s half-sister). Imagine him receiving “ownership” over his FIL’s daughter. Imagine him raping that girl when she was 14 and him 44. Imagine him becoming president a few years later

why does this matter? honestly it feels horrible. is this flowing in the tap water or the place I’m in? Did my white friends grow up drinking this from the tap?

Can I ever stop being wary?

Will it always be this way? Hasn’t it been?

Why don’t they clean up their own messes?

(whew okay circling back. anger is real. and weighty. but I think a pause for now.

If anything I learned I’ve got deep anger. Or rather, really flexed its muscles. Really felt it. Fuck it. Fuck you. Whew. Feel it angry. In my chest. Running burning circling.

(It feels greattttt honestly. It feels like such a good itch scratch. But more next time. )