Lil punk ass baby cries every 15 minutes after his mother goes to sleep

It’s tough when your baby is hollering like a hyena but eventually you settle him down and he grabs your finger & it’s all worth it

Nvm this little bastard is going off again

How long before he’s 18

He’s sleeping on me peacefully & I can’t reach the remote

Just kidding to get through the night shift. This kids the best thing i ever did. My motherfuckin legacy

I went from wheres the bitches to, i want that baby brezza formula pro for Father’s Day

Mood

I’ve taken like 12 shits today to get away from the little terrorist

This kid just tried to suck on my titty

What’s it mean when your kid does this

Very important

How long can you leave your baby in one of those swings chairs? This shit working rn I’ll leave him til tomorrow

Baby only wants to sleep with Mommy.. kind of offended. But also, goodnight honey

Up listening to musics at a reasonable level & making breakfast for my family cuz i love it here

I eat food like I’m in rikers cafeteria

Day 15
This is not a drill

I’m tired but mamis napping on the couch, baby napping on my chest..
Dads the guy that stays awake when everyone else falls asleep

Also are my taxes gonna hit this year?

Lately I make sure to get a good cry in like every other day

.... mami is getting so much needed rest. Baby is fussing but i need to take a shit
What happens now

Mannn the amount of energy you have to expend to keep this kid asleep is astounding. I can’t wait to make him do stuff for me for the next 30 years or so

Wooooo we lost a belly button

Never thought I’d get this excited over a child’s burps

Top 3
Baby yawns
Baby hiccups
Baby sneezes

Giving Jaime back to his mom after my shift

Day 20

Tryna swap the bottle for the bobo

Day 21 I’m so good at Dadding now honestly

I really didn’t believe ya when ya told me 10 diapers a day... this SHIT is ridiculous

Young man just peed on me through his diaper. But it took an hour to put him down, so imma stay here and enjoy it

Update: nothing was the same

Day idk
Just dropped my phone on my kids face

You know how you feel close to bed time. You feel all warm and cozy after a good shower n some fresh linens...
That feeling is gone, my watch has just begun

Baby is crying and I’m hiding in the shower. I don’t wanna go back out there

Also don’t send my girlfriend my tweets thank you she already tried to end me earlier with a stuffed elephant

My son might grow up thinking his name is “little motherf***** “

You ever stare into your babies eyes. Like damn i did this, you whisper him a little something hearfelt and i know he’s a baby but i feel like he can understand me...
Then he looks back at you and farts something wicked

I requested today off, waiting to go on my bike ride like

Just want my baby to meet his bros

Sometimes when my girl irrationally makes me go wash something for the baby that doesn’t need to be washed. I go to the kitchen and run the water and just stand there
Then bring the item back unwashed

Don’t have babies if you’re broke.

We got a smart bassinet and a smart sock on him currently we’re fucking killing it

Little SOB took to pulling on my chest hairs

After like 3 hours of holding the baby i be like alright you gotta be more independent kid sit down somewhere .. but then when he’s sleeping too long I’m like alright what time you gonna wake up come cuddle w me

No bullshit just dropped the phone on my kids head again. Popped him real good sounded like somebody was knocking on the door

Mommy is still sleeping and I’m starving but today is my day and i refuse to make my own breakfast. So I’ll sit here and starve until she gets her act together

Cheers to many more years in little shorts and bucket hats

Update mom hit me with a hanger

Called my son a bozo yesterday and i meant it. Little punk ass bozo baby

HOTNEWHIPHOP

At what age can he start feeding himself? Cuz i can’t get these tweets off with one hand

Baby bozo fights his sleep so i gotta give him the bear hug & his bobo.
He nods off after a few minutes & spits out the bobo.
Then he wakes up crying so i have to repeat the whole process again.

Crying hugging bobo sleeping no bobo & back to crying

You know how when you’re frustrated with something you can like slam it or throw it? Yea

Baby bozo keeps doing this when i try to sit him up to drink his bottle

I may or may not have put blistex on my lips with the same finger i used to put Desitin on my sons ass cheeks

I asked permission to eat a bowl of cereal yesterday

I ate a whole bag of lactation cookies

Why my kid don’t have eyebrows

I really appreciate the comradery between new parents all the advice you guys give and just LOLs we share is really nice. Thanks guys

My boy smiled at me for the first time like a real smile, not passing gas.
& i immediately started crying

I worked hard to make sure I’ve always had air conditioning in every room of where ever i live. And i end up wifing up a demon who’s under the blankets when it’s 80 degrees in the house.. this place feels like hell’s ass hole

Why is my babies butt purple

When you hear grandma ducking around in the kitchen

My girls family was gonna go on a boat ride but we couldn’t take the baby. So my girl said she would stay back w the baby. So i said ill stay too because dad life. Me n baby took a nap and mommy left us to go on the boat

But it’s ok, he’ll read this later and appreciate me

He’s going to wake up soon and i am not ready

I love this picture so much

Started next to daddy, ended up halfway across the room looking for mami

I need to learn to moonwalk so i can get drunk at parties and embarrass baby Jaime

My girl not here so imma order some filet mignon

My girl in the shower blasting Jason Derulo... hell

If my baby boy stays asleep he would have allowed me to watch the nycfc game followed by the lakers game and i will be in heaven

2020

Sometimes you gotta tell your 4 month old to stop acting like a bitch

I don’t think I’m ready for my son to be like “dad dad dad daddy daddy daddy look” and then do a very underwhelming spinarooni and i have to be supportive

Dad life is
Wake up, walk the dog, drive the baby to grandma, go to work, pick up the baby, spend maybe 1 hour with baby while he cries for his mom, watch 1 episode of your favorite show, fill/empty dishwasher, eat, try to sleep, And repeat

I don’t even wake up when he cries anymore, i can sleep through an earthquake

The baby is chewing on the dog toys but mami is asleep so imma stay right here on this couch and enjoy this Netflix movie while i can

It’s so ridiculous around here she sanitizes the floor everyday

Sometimes I’ll be on my phone and consequently my son falls cuz I’m not paying attention. So when his mom runs in the room i gotta grab him quick and act like idk why he’s screaming

My explore page used to be cars and big booty pages now it’s all woodworking & powertools

This little prick didn’t let me sleep all night... We were supposed to go to grandmas at 730 but guess who’s sound asleep and I’m 2 hours late to work

This little prick can’t even walk yet and he’s taken to actively seeking out tv remotes and throwing them behind the couch. Like how are you an asshole at 9 months

He bit my nipple

What type of old man baby is this

I think i want a girl next but I’m worried my genes are too strong and she’ll look like this

If my girl don’t cut me in on the babys stimmy I’m taking this thread To court

Tryna carve out a 4 hour window to watch the justice league uninterrupted just doesn’t seem realistic

Nobody:
My son with anything that he finds:

Baby woke up fussy so i grabbed him from his crib and since we don’t want to rely on TV. I grabbed one of his books and he fell asleep in my arms while i read old McDonald