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Story time: I ate a small bowl of yogurt a few nights ago.
I sat on the couch eating — only to feel a set of eyeballs burning thru my soul.
My wife: “Why are you eating a bowl of mayonnaise?”
I explain to her it’s yogurt — we don’t have mayo. Nobody eats it.
And then
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💡" title="Electric light bulb" aria-label="Emoji: Electric light bulb">(1/X)
I sat on the couch eating — only to feel a set of eyeballs burning thru my soul.
My wife: “Why are you eating a bowl of mayonnaise?”
I explain to her it’s yogurt — we don’t have mayo. Nobody eats it.
And then
I realize not do we not have any mayo...AND...
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🗣" title="Speaking head in silhouette" aria-label="Emoji: Speaking head in silhouette">WE ARE OUT OF ICE CREAM.
I BEGIN TO SCHEME. (2/X)
I BEGIN TO SCHEME. (2/X)
I purposely buy mayo on my next visit to the store and use it — sparingly — on my sandwiches the last few days. (3/X)
Today I bought ice cream: Mint Chocolate Chip & Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
This is me as I grabbing the ice cream and checking out (4/X)
This is me as I grabbing the ice cream and checking out (4/X)
I get home and I can barely contain myself.
Scarf down dinner - take the kids and the new born on a bike ride/walk around the block - get home.
GAME FACE (5/X)
Scarf down dinner - take the kids and the new born on a bike ride/walk around the block - get home.
GAME FACE (5/X)
ICE CREAM!!!!!! (6/X)
I ask my wife what kind she wants.
Her: A scoop of both...
Me: (7/X)
Her: A scoop of both...
Me: (7/X)
I get both — Opening the fridge and freezer at the same time so, you know, she doesn’t hear anything *suspicious*.
It feels like it takes me an hour to get this right. The deed is done.
No going back. (8/X)
It feels like it takes me an hour to get this right. The deed is done.
No going back. (8/X)
I hand her the bowl and set up shop on the couch.
As I’m trying to sneak video, my daughter whips around. She has a smirk on her face.
Her: Why are you filming mom?
Me: (9/X)
As I’m trying to sneak video, my daughter whips around. She has a smirk on her face.
Her: Why are you filming mom?
Me: (9/X)
I come up with a lame excuse. EVERYBODY BUYS IT.
Anyway, baby gets fussy - is hungry. Prank gets PAUSED.
I ask my wife if she wants me to put her bowl in the freezer so it doesn’t melt...
Her: YES
Me: (10/X)
Anyway, baby gets fussy - is hungry. Prank gets PAUSED.
I ask my wife if she wants me to put her bowl in the freezer so it doesn’t melt...
Her: YES
Me: (10/X)
Baby calms down — PRANK IS UNPAUSED. (11/X)
She’s slowly eating her ice cream — I mean enjoying every bite.
AND THEN...(12/X)
AND THEN...(12/X)
I can see the wheels turning.
It’s the *oh my god what did I eat* look on her face
AND THEN...
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🗣" title="Speaking head in silhouette" aria-label="Emoji: Speaking head in silhouette"> SHE SCOOPED UP ANOTHER BITEhttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="‼️" title="Double exclamation mark" aria-label="Emoji: Double exclamation mark">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="‼️" title="Double exclamation mark" aria-label="Emoji: Double exclamation mark">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="‼️" title="Double exclamation mark" aria-label="Emoji: Double exclamation mark"> (13/X)
It’s the *oh my god what did I eat* look on her face
AND THEN...
(14X)
Me: How you like that bowl of mayo?
Her — as I’m laughing: (15X)
Her — as I’m laughing: (15X)
Anyway, now my wife is giggling and looking at me.
Send help.
(END)
Send help.
(END)
