i'm finally snapping and i'm dumping my brain vomit out here, so just... idk. do whatever you want regarding this thread. ignore it or softblock me, i don't care.

to nova and milly, who i know can't and won't ever see this unless someone screenshots this thread: i hope you two are doing well. i hope you've moved on and forgotten how much we hurt each other. i haven't forgotten yet, and i don't know that i ever will.

you both meant so much to me back then, and even for a while after. milly, you were like a sister to me, and you were easily one of my closest and most cherished friends. but look at us now: you have me blocked. i never wanted to have to block you of all people, but here we are.

some of my fondest memories are with you and kat. the time we went to the zoo together. when you both visited for easter, or when i drove to pick you up from maryland. the times we got hibachi together, and the cons we went to. blasting carly rae in my car on the way back home...

i only wish you weren't so neutral about it all. you, someone so dear to me, stood by and watched as i fell apart in front of you. i never wanted you to stop being friends with nova. i just wanted you to tell me you would stay my friend... but i guess it's too late for that now.

and nova, i hope you don't have any regrets the way i do. do you remember when you messaged me at the beginning of the year, saying you didn't want to live a life with regrets? i hope you've been able to find the peace of mind you wanted. i haven't, and i don't think i ever will.

do you remember when it started? when you accused me of manipulating our friends, or when you ghosted me for well over a month right after? what about the time period when i did everything i could to try and prove myself to you and make amends, but you chose to ignore it all?

and for what? an rp group? was it really such a big deal to not be invited immediately? especially after i told you why i wasn't thinking straight, and still invited you? how do you justify ruining your friend's life over feeling excluded? you weren't even the one who suffered.

you never once asked me what i went through, or how i felt. i literally lost my mind. everyone was scared of me because you took my sense of self away from me and i was completely lost. i desperately wanted to make things up to you, but you told me to drop it, so i did.

but then? haha, this is my favorite part. then you told me i acted like nothing ever happened between us. that by doing what you you asked, i was ignoring your feelings. you said i didn't care about what happened. how could you say that when i spent months trying to fix it all?

you told me i wasn't trustworthy, that i was disloyal, that i was a terrible friend. back then those were the only things i felt i was to anyone. you took everything i valued about myself and you crushed it. you ruined me. i tried to kill myself via overdose because of you, nova.

i genuinely felt like you and everyone we both called friends at that point would be better off without me. i was backed into a corner, nothing was going right, and i tried to destroy the problem. when i failed, i put your name on a blacklist for my own health and safety...

but even then, you accused me of hurting your feelings again, of being insensitive. that seeing your name next to homophobia and racism hurt. how do you think i felt? you have no idea what i went through because of you, and everyone else's refusal to stand up for me...

but honestly? i never even wanted there to BE sides. i wanted to be told it was okay to be hurt by how you handled things on your end. i know i fucked up and that i hurt you, but at least i tried to fix it. i apologized endlessly, but you never apologized to me... not even once.

i hope that wherever you two are, and wherever my other former friends are, you all still hold true to your convictions about me. that you all see me as some kind of irredeemable villain who deserved to be hurt and stepped on and left behind and forgotten. maybe i did deserve it.

i don't know anymore. i don't know if i ever have, or if i ever will. i just hope you all live without the burden i still struggle with three years, two days, one suicide attempt, and countless breakdowns later. i hope you all have found better friends than the one i tried to be.