Every now & then it just hits me all over again that this will truly never be over. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life hunting for my videos, having my trauma watched & shared by hundreds, thousands, millions of people.
I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this.

In college, I won't have the luxury of spending all day searching for my videos to make sure they're taken down. So they're just gonna stay up.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'll be an old lady & people will still be jerking off to me getting raped as a baby.

Does it ever get easier? Do I want it to?
When I'm an adult with a job, or when I'm old & wrinkled, will it still hurt as much as it does now? Or will I get used to it.
Which is worse?

I always think I've gotten used to it. But then I see a video like last night's, where I'm still wearing the cap the hospital put on me when I was born. And I just fall apart.

I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. This isn't the kind of thing you can recover from.

And, it's always gonna be like this. I can't just wait for it to be over. It's never gonna be over. The cycle will continue until I'm dead, and then it'll keep going. But I won't be there to stop it.
At least I won't have to deal with it anymore.