when cranes get all sassy about punctuation

The crane took some questions over on Facebook. Or took offense — whatever.

Reader Q1: “I'd assume sassy cranes use the semicolon; it's much more sophisticated.”

Crane A1: That is not a question. I fear the gentleman is as confused as he is incorrect.

Reader Q2: “What is the crane’s position on the Oxford comma?”

Crane A2: My position will be atop your head if you do not recognize the elegance, appropriateness, and settled nature of the Oxford comma.

Reader Q3: “What are the crane’s thoughts re one vs. two spaces after a period?”

Crane A3: It is the feeble character that bows to modernity for the sake of technological progress. One must respect the beauty and historical predicate of the two space rule.

(these were real questions — the crane is happy, nay *delighted* to take yours)

If the crane sounds prissy, we’ve been re-reading Jane Austen to calm down on a ridiculous day so as not to shriek at anyone. The crane is not sure whether to loathe Willoughby or John Dashwood more. Lucy is clearly a dark villain; the crane approves.