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hi i wanted to make this thread for quite a while now but i never really had the courage to talk about it, which is basically about my experience growing up (sexuality, weight, etc...) i hope this will help someone out there who still has problems figuring himslef/herself out
let me just start off by saying that i’m not making this to have attention or to play the hero it’s really just to let u guys know the more vulnerable part of me and maybe come in help to someone who’s struggling with the same issues i had growing up
i remember that when i was a kid i loved playing with barbies, wearing my mom’s shoes, putting makeup on my sister, etc... but i never really thought it through because i always did this and i thought it was normal because no one ever said anything bad about it
at the end of elementary school i discovered ariana and instantly loved her i talked about her to my guy and girl friends, to my family, etc... and they supported me so i never hid that from people, until i got into high school
high school was by far the worst experience of my life. when i first arrived i noticed that people were judging me (whispering behind my back for example) and when i realized that, it was too late, because everybody in my year said that the new boy was a « faggot »
in french, faggot is pédé and at first i didn’t know what it meant because no one taught me this. i started getting bullied because of my voice, how i acted, but most importantly because i loved ariana grande
let me give u a quick background to french highschools: they are the most toxic places ever because boys are supposed to listen to french rap to be accepted and feel welcomed in friend groups
i remember that one day when i had p.e. with the boys of my class; before the class i went to buy the dw album and i got in the changing room, put my bag, went to the toilet and when i came back in the room they had broken the cd and were screaming « faggot » at me
i felt terrorized but i didn’t want to fight back so i changed myself crying with the pieces of broken cd in my hand. the teacher saw i had been crying but he didn’t say anything or asked if i was okay
after that day i understood that i would have to change myself and become more « manly » if i wanted tho have friends. i stopped talking about ariana, i wore « manly » clothes and started to listen to french rap (disgusting)
the bullying eventually stopped but i wasn’t myself and gained a lot of weight because i realized that when i ate the pain would go away for a short period of time. here i am in 2017:
i only had guy friends at that time because i didn’t want to be seen with girls which would have made the insults start again. i began having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, as well as self-harming.
a day i will never forget was when i tried to kill myself. i got a rope in the garage and put my head in the hole of the knot i made. at that moment my mom came home and screamed « adrien i’m home i brought pizza! »
this made me realize that giving up was not the option and that there were still some people who looked after me and loved me so PLEASE if u have these thoughts THINK ABOUT THE ONES WHO ARE STILL BY YOUR SIDE AND FIGHT FOR YOURSELF AND WHAT U BELIEVE IN
after that came the question of sexuality; i always thought i was straight because that’s what the society wants men to be and indirectly reminds us of this during our education
i noticed that guys attracted me but i kept on labeling me as heterosexual... i started hanging out witt girls a bit more and i felt a lot more comfortable with them around. however during that time i lost a lot of weight and became underweight(this is me in 2018):
to this day, i still have trouble gaining weight but i’m on the right track. then, at some point in high school i don’t really remember when, i started to wear clothes i felt comfortable in, in which i could identify myself with but i still listened to ariana in secret
i realized that people were not all bad and some of them really looked out after me and started hanging out with girls a lot more.
i still had a problem with my sexuality tho but at least i acknowledged the fact that i liked men. i then said to myself that i was bisexual (even tho i wasn’t attracted to girls anymore) because i didn’t want to be gay (internalized homophobia)
in 2019 i finally came out as bisexual to one of my best friends and she was so supportive it made me so happy. during that year i also met one of the greatest people ever to whom i also came out as bisexual.
for a year i kept on believing i was bi but in the beginning of 2020 i realized that it was time for me to embrace the real adrien. i came out a second time to my girl friends as gay and for the first time to my straight guy friends who were also very supportive
since then, i’m not hiding anymore behind someone i’m not, i talk about ariana to my irl friends even when i get super annoying, i have no shame in hanging out with girls, i wear clothes that make me feel happy, and i’m finally starting to like my body
this is me now in 2020 (17):
in conclusion, never loose sight of who you really are, stay true to yourself even if ppl don’t like it because that’s how our society works unfortunately... people will always find a way to bring you down but just remember that confidence is one the most beautiful qualities and
if u show ppl that u know what u stand for, that u are not afraid to speak ur mind u will be so much more attractive to everybody. if u wanna wear markup and u’re a boy DO IT what do u have to lose? nothing, because u probably don’t even know the people who will talk shit about u
and for everybody who’s struggling to find themselves, there’s no shame in making two, three or four coming outs u just have to wait for the right time
if u have friends who have always stood but ur side they will support and if they don’t fuck them you’ll find new friends there’s plenty of ppl in this world
i’m sorry if this was too long but i hope this helped somebody out there to stay strong and keep believing in yourself ilyasm ty
