if only | choi youngjae
↦ short drabble
↦ angst
↦ sad ending

Plot
↦ you thought everything can be solved with silence.

You watch your feet drags you across the solid ground, not even tripping over your own feet. The sky is dark, though it is night time but the darkness feels different.

It feels like they are pitying you, for your own fault.

Technically, it was your fault. You thought fights can be solved by being silence. You thought by taking every fight silently, you will be able to go through it and it will end eventually.

But Youngjae don't think so.

Every time you ran away, he kept persuading you to talk. Youngjae, despite being the introvert among you two, tried to solve problems by talking.

However you can't. You know words hurt deeper than actions. You know once you yield those words, he won't be the only one in pain.

You would too.

It was a usual cycle, him busy with his work and you trying to understand that his work need more attention than you are.

You truly understand it. You has chosen to understand it the first time you agreed to be beside him.

Countless of sleepless night, you being alone in bed, were your routine. Day by day, you'd wait for Youngjae to come home, to stay up even until you hear the beep of the door being unlocked. Just to know he arrived home safe, just to assure yourself that he is alive and home.

You told yourself it would be worth it. His work is seasonal, it will end soon after comeback promotion ends. He will be all yours, you don't have to fight for his attention anymore.

Youngjae proved you that you were wrong.

Later becomes soon, soon becomes almost undefined. You lost track of how long is the comeback promotion season, or have it ended already without your knowledge?

Months, you took it to yourself and stayed silent.

You figured he must have grown out of fondness towards you. He must have thought you are no longer important.

If you do, he must have at least asked for you.

Choi Youngjae.

The man that made you wander in the middle of the night, crying in pain while you drag your feet across the tarred road after you saw a glimpse of him laughing with another woman in his arm.

True, he must have grown out the fondness in you.

Words, will never be able to describe the painful ache in your heart as thousand of thoughts race in your mind.

How long have it been since you've seen that smile on his face?

Was he not happy with you?

Does she makes him happy?

You realised that even if you asked, you know things won't change the situation. A change of someone's heart can't be undo again. It will never be the same, the spark won't be there again.

To which you leave, leaving everything behind. You packed your belongings, without one tear shed. You should have seen it coming. You should have known the lonely nights you've been having are clues that the heaven tried to show you.

Only when you sorted your belongings and zipped your suitcase, you realised that he isn't there anymore. Though it hurts, you need to go.

Away from him.

So that he won't have to be sorry. You'd long be gone when he realised it. And that is, if only he ever realised.

If only, Choi Youngjae ever realised.

[ end of thread ]

if only | choi youngjae
↦ short drabble
↦ angst
↦ sad ending

Plot
↦ you thought everything can be solved with silence.

Bgm
↦ The King Eternal Monarch bgm - If Only (piano version)